(Damn, this is the first post I've written here in over a year--shows you how much more I'm into my twitter than anything else. I didn't even write a breakup post with Mr. 36 like I did with Mr. 35! Anyways, it seems like my life is more focused on pharmacy school than the incessant plodding of my own age getting bigger and bigger, but not too focused enough that I forget that I do have a life outside of it. Read below. )
Dear Mr. P2:
Re: Our impending breakup
Goddamn, what the hell were you thinking? I knew when I first met you close to 7-8 months ago that you would be difficult to deal with. My friends warned me about you, that I'd be wishing Mr. P1 was still with me.
This is true, partly, but not for the reasons I expected.
I knew the courses would be hard. I knew my responsibilities would be amped up. Hell, I even tried to work and balance our relationship during the first quarter when we were still trying to get to know each other. Thank God THAT ended quickly.
And then, real life hit. In the midst of trying to keep my head above water as all the schoolwork piled up, a close friend of mine died from lung cancer right before starting winter quarter with you. We were pillars for each other as our own turbulent lives led us down crazy, uncertain paths; she moving in with the love of her life; me trying to figure out how I was going to survive pharmacy school post-ex and where my life would be post-May 2013. But up until I started going out with you in September, Mr. P2, and her body started to deteriorate, and we both begged, cried, and wished to spend more time with each other. When she did pass away, two days before New Year's 2011, I almost expected myself to say, "Fuck it. She was my last pillar of strength for me, and you had to take her away from me too?"
But I didn't. It made me remember why I wanted to go to pharmacy school in the first place--to help people and provide comfort to the sick and dying, along with the well. In our last real conversation we had together, it was just me and her, gabbing over lunch, bitching about family, but it was also interspersed with the melancholy; us breaking down every so often and wishing that she didn't have to go so soon, but knowing that each time I saw her could be the last I would see her alive. Pharmacy school, in its own weird, random way, taught me to really look at patients as human beings, and even though I couldn't provide any comfort for her pharmacologically, she was able to tell me things that she couldn't tell anyone else, and in that way, I did provide comfort. Her last text to me was "Thanks. I really needed that."
As much as I wish real life would just be put on pause for 4 years as I go through this, it doesn't, and it won't. In only the past two years, I've seen countless friends and relatives fall in love, break up, have kids, lose family members. Losing my friend wasn't part of the original plan, but I shouldered on. It was rough that quarter, especially when I realized how much I relied on my friend to talk about anything and everything about school and about my life. I survived that quarter, only because I realized that I could no longer put my life on hold anymore. I had to do things for myself.
As I'm racing down the last 2-odd quarters of coursework into rotations and into running into Mr. P3 AND Mr. P4's arms over the next 9 months, I'm beginning to realize what weird gifts you've given me, Mr. P2. I'm no longer just only a pharmacy student. I'm out dancing. I'm hanging out with friends, bitching about my problems. I have an amazing internship that I absolutely love. I'm even going out on frickin' dates! In the midst of this craziness, I had to take my life back, and my grades have also magically improved. Who knew?
So, Mr. P2, as we start our last month together, I am grateful for what you've given me, but honestly, you are WAY too intense for me to be with for longer than a year. I pray that I won't have to see you again next year. I hope that after next month, all I'll have to remember you by is a bunch of gray hairs, more grades on my transcripts and some random returned exams that I will never look at again.
Smooches,
Efren
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Breakup Post with Year 35
(Yes, this is long overdue--not like I actually have time to write anything given my trying to survive my first year at UCSF pharmacy school. Besides I'm more on my twitter anyway.)
Dear Mr. 35:
Yes, I know you've already left. I've come to the realization that the years are coming in and out a little faster, but I can't help but wish that you stayed a little longer. At least the letting go was gentle, instead of the bat crazy shit that happened with Mr. 34, who I literally had to push out the door.
You opened the door to a new chapter in my life, literally with my getting into UCSF and starting pharm school. I've been thrown headlong back into being a full time student, and while it's probably the hardest thing mentally that I've ever done, it's also been one of the most enjoyable and incredible things that I have done in my life so far. You stood by me as I've begun adjusting to school and making friends with people that I wouldn't expect to be friends with. You made me remember that I should do things because I love doing them, not because of some other esoteric intangible ideal that I'd have trouble explaining to someone. Even as things were thrown my way that if they had happened earlier would've caused me to question where my life was headed, I suddenly realized that I'm very happy where I am, and that the people who need my help don't need saving, they just need my support.
And while I am now totally comfortable with being single--filing for divorce helped, I am thinking that it would be nice to meet another nice guy. Eventually--not now, dear God, not now.
Anyway, I hope Mr. 36 will be just as kind and gentle as you were.
Smooches,
Efren
PS If you do happen to find a nice guy (or guys) my way, I'd appreciate it. You know my type(s).
Dear Mr. 35:
Yes, I know you've already left. I've come to the realization that the years are coming in and out a little faster, but I can't help but wish that you stayed a little longer. At least the letting go was gentle, instead of the bat crazy shit that happened with Mr. 34, who I literally had to push out the door.
You opened the door to a new chapter in my life, literally with my getting into UCSF and starting pharm school. I've been thrown headlong back into being a full time student, and while it's probably the hardest thing mentally that I've ever done, it's also been one of the most enjoyable and incredible things that I have done in my life so far. You stood by me as I've begun adjusting to school and making friends with people that I wouldn't expect to be friends with. You made me remember that I should do things because I love doing them, not because of some other esoteric intangible ideal that I'd have trouble explaining to someone. Even as things were thrown my way that if they had happened earlier would've caused me to question where my life was headed, I suddenly realized that I'm very happy where I am, and that the people who need my help don't need saving, they just need my support.
And while I am now totally comfortable with being single--filing for divorce helped, I am thinking that it would be nice to meet another nice guy. Eventually--not now, dear God, not now.
Anyway, I hope Mr. 36 will be just as kind and gentle as you were.
Smooches,
Efren
PS If you do happen to find a nice guy (or guys) my way, I'd appreciate it. You know my type(s).
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
So the past few weeks as I've been coming closer to closer to starting UCSF, I've been racked with insomnia. I'm not sure why, since I've had no reason to worry about finances, or jobs or anything like that. For the most part, I'm really excited about starting my dream and doing what I want to do.
And yet, I've been feeling this weird sense of "survivor's guilt." Knowing that I had one of the lowest GPAs in the class, being one of the oldest people as well, it makes me wonder, why did UCSF choose me? How did I end up one of the 7% who got in? I definitely know part of it stems from constantly being told I wasn't good enough to be at the top, that I would never make it by my family. On the one hand, I can see how this was seen as an attempt to protect me in case I failed--but on the other hand, it also made me feel like I was too stupid to really do it.
Now that I've made it, and with two weeks before I dive headlong into this new chapter of my life, and a lot of the old things that have plagued me to get here are resolved, it feels like a new beginning. I've suddenly felt a new appreciation towards things, that my family is there, my friends are there, I've made plenty of new friends already in my class, and honestly, it does feel like I'm 25, when I'm actually ten years older.
Am I scared shitless? Fuck yeah. But I'm also excited beyond belief. It's taken so much for me to get to where I am, from being sidetracked as an undergrad, taking a long circuitous route in grad school, finding love, losing love, losing and regaining my family, and most importantly believing that this was what I wanted and amazed at how easy it came to me once I set my mind to it, it's still humbling that UCSF is taking me back. And on the other hand, I knew this was something that I've wanted so bad, from the time I was 21 and saw pharmacy as what I wanted to do, that to actually make it--it feels like I've made up for the 14 years of dicking around to get to where I should've been at 21. Honestly, it still doesn't feel real, and I think it really only will when all these first steps are taken: orientation, white coat, etc.
And there's no turning back. Frankly, I don't think I want to. I am so ready. Still scared shitless, but I'm ready.
And yet, I've been feeling this weird sense of "survivor's guilt." Knowing that I had one of the lowest GPAs in the class, being one of the oldest people as well, it makes me wonder, why did UCSF choose me? How did I end up one of the 7% who got in? I definitely know part of it stems from constantly being told I wasn't good enough to be at the top, that I would never make it by my family. On the one hand, I can see how this was seen as an attempt to protect me in case I failed--but on the other hand, it also made me feel like I was too stupid to really do it.
Now that I've made it, and with two weeks before I dive headlong into this new chapter of my life, and a lot of the old things that have plagued me to get here are resolved, it feels like a new beginning. I've suddenly felt a new appreciation towards things, that my family is there, my friends are there, I've made plenty of new friends already in my class, and honestly, it does feel like I'm 25, when I'm actually ten years older.
Am I scared shitless? Fuck yeah. But I'm also excited beyond belief. It's taken so much for me to get to where I am, from being sidetracked as an undergrad, taking a long circuitous route in grad school, finding love, losing love, losing and regaining my family, and most importantly believing that this was what I wanted and amazed at how easy it came to me once I set my mind to it, it's still humbling that UCSF is taking me back. And on the other hand, I knew this was something that I've wanted so bad, from the time I was 21 and saw pharmacy as what I wanted to do, that to actually make it--it feels like I've made up for the 14 years of dicking around to get to where I should've been at 21. Honestly, it still doesn't feel real, and I think it really only will when all these first steps are taken: orientation, white coat, etc.
And there's no turning back. Frankly, I don't think I want to. I am so ready. Still scared shitless, but I'm ready.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Babies and Relationships
Thanks to the wonderful world that is Facebook, I've become reacquainted with lots of friends and relatives my age that I've lost touch with from grade school to college. As I've just passed my 35th birthday and am now comfortable with being single again (Howard and I broke up about a year ago, and it's only been now that I feel comfortable with publicly announcing it), I'm seeing myself surrounded by friends, both straight and queer, who are doing commitment ceremonies, having babies, and cementing their relationships in one way or another. And while I'm not bitter about the relationship with Howard ending (in fact, it seems funny that we're in some ways a lot closer now), it's made me wonder why my biological clock isn't ticking, while everyone else around me who's single and my age seems downright hormonal with a sense of urgency to find a life partner, settle down and start having a family (whether that be having babies or pets, or whatever).
What brought this into extremely sharp focus was seeing MJ and her new daughter today at UCSF, who's not even a day old. Amelia is an adorable little baby, and MJ and Jason were glowing with their new addition. But I didn't feel the pangs of wanting to be a parent, or find another boyfriend, or have a partner.
Another friend of mine from high school is giving herself a deadline of having a baby before she turns 37. As she ticked off the reasons why she should or shouldn't have another baby, in the back of my mind, I thought, "I don't think I'm ready for that. Or if I'm even willing to do that." When she asked me if I wanted to have a kid, I honestly gave her an "I don't know."
Maybe it's because it has been only a year or so since I've broken up with Howard, and so the desire to find someone right away isn't there. Part of me is actually enjoying being single--though I'm not exactly looking to date anyone. It could also be that I've always put taking care of someone else as an excuse for not taking care of myself--and at 35, I'm being able to do things on my own that I haven't been able to do since I met Howard at 23.
The funny part about all this is that it does really seem like a do-over for me in so many different parts of my life, from going back to school to do what I've always wanted to do; to establishing and re-establishing friendships; and to have people recognize me as me, and not as a part of a collective unit, whether that be as part of a relationship, a group, or whatever. I think there's also a little bit of "been there, done that" in terms of long term relationships, and I'm clearly not willing to invest so much emotionally into someone right now when I don't know where I'll be after I finish my PharmD, and once I figure out where that is, maybe the focus will become clearer. But as of right now, I'm not interested.
Who knows--maybe after I finish my PharmD at the age of 39, I'll become as hormonal as everyone else I know. I think I have a lot more important things to worry about than worrying about being single.
And if you're a hot Asian guy who's into bigger Asian guys, send me a private e-mail. ;)
What brought this into extremely sharp focus was seeing MJ and her new daughter today at UCSF, who's not even a day old. Amelia is an adorable little baby, and MJ and Jason were glowing with their new addition. But I didn't feel the pangs of wanting to be a parent, or find another boyfriend, or have a partner.
Another friend of mine from high school is giving herself a deadline of having a baby before she turns 37. As she ticked off the reasons why she should or shouldn't have another baby, in the back of my mind, I thought, "I don't think I'm ready for that. Or if I'm even willing to do that." When she asked me if I wanted to have a kid, I honestly gave her an "I don't know."
Maybe it's because it has been only a year or so since I've broken up with Howard, and so the desire to find someone right away isn't there. Part of me is actually enjoying being single--though I'm not exactly looking to date anyone. It could also be that I've always put taking care of someone else as an excuse for not taking care of myself--and at 35, I'm being able to do things on my own that I haven't been able to do since I met Howard at 23.
The funny part about all this is that it does really seem like a do-over for me in so many different parts of my life, from going back to school to do what I've always wanted to do; to establishing and re-establishing friendships; and to have people recognize me as me, and not as a part of a collective unit, whether that be as part of a relationship, a group, or whatever. I think there's also a little bit of "been there, done that" in terms of long term relationships, and I'm clearly not willing to invest so much emotionally into someone right now when I don't know where I'll be after I finish my PharmD, and once I figure out where that is, maybe the focus will become clearer. But as of right now, I'm not interested.
Who knows--maybe after I finish my PharmD at the age of 39, I'll become as hormonal as everyone else I know. I think I have a lot more important things to worry about than worrying about being single.
And if you're a hot Asian guy who's into bigger Asian guys, send me a private e-mail. ;)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
New Tumblr blog
So I've decided to do a separate blog that chronicles the next 4 years at UCSF as I go through pharm school, through tumblr, since honestly, I don't think I'll be able to blog as much on here.
I'm envisioning my tumblr as a way to separate my pharm life form the rest of my life (which hopefully won't completely dominate, but I'm sure I'll be failing miserably at that).
I'll still be posting here, but probably not as much as before. :)
I'm envisioning my tumblr as a way to separate my pharm life form the rest of my life (which hopefully won't completely dominate, but I'm sure I'll be failing miserably at that).
I'll still be posting here, but probably not as much as before. :)
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