Saturday, December 31, 2005

I am so glad 2005 is almost over!

(Sorry I put this post up for the 31st and disabled comments--this is more of a personal post for me than anyone else, but feel free to email me if you have something to say.)

I've probably had a more tulmutuous year than most, and it felt like that I'm finally finishing up my Saturn's Return a year late, which kinda makes sense since all the crazy stuff that happened to me happened right before I turned 29 when my mom passed, and it felt like something kept on hitting me over the head to grow up and see what was going on in my life and change things that I thought were set in stone for me, so to speak. I literally got rid of all of these things that I thought was going to happen to me (executive director of a non-profit? done; 2nd attempt at a PhD? done; teaching at a university? done; etc.), and slowly phased out people in my life who were really more deadwood and toxic rather than supportive and loving, and have built up strong relationships with just a few people that are a lot more satisfying than the innumerable acquaintances that I tried to maintain before.

I've learned a lot the past few years. First and foremost, challenging whoever's running the universe will lead you with more challenges until you cry out, "Stop!" (that literally happened to me a couple months ago). Quality is always better than quantity, whether that be in love, friendships, workouts, etc. Nothing is ever set in stone, and that being fluid isn't necessarily a bad thing (thank the goddess I'm a Pisces and can handle that). I've learned to slow down, to be happy with what I've got and cultivate the talents I have instead of forcing things that weren't working. I've learned that speaking my mind isn't a bad thing; nor is having a reputation of having a mouth.

The funny part was that I had stopped therapy after doing it for 2 years right before my mom passed, as if it were a mental preparation for the challenges that were gonna happen. Training for my first marathon and therapy had inadvertently prepared me for the marathon of mental challenges that I went through the last couple years. My whole life was spent up to that point rushing from one point to another that I didn't really see what the point of rushing actually was. After having that epiphany a couple months ago, my life has become more stable, and given the craziness of the past few years, that is a truly welcome change.

Too bad there's an extra second added on to 2005 for those of us in the US, instead of 2006 for those in Asia.

Have a happy 2006, everybody. I know I will.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Update on the husband...

So I picked him up this morning, and his face is swollen and he has thick rubber bands keeping his braces together, and he's also on a liquid diet. So now we bought all of these things to help him on this diet (at least it's only for a couple of weeks at most): a hand blender, pill crusher for his meds; along with other things to maintain his calorie intake (weight gain meal replacement shake powder, soy milk, fruit juices), and I guess we'll be going to restaurants that serve milkshakes and the like.

Trying to communicate has been ...interesting to say the least. I can't understand what he's saying so he's taken to writing, either by hand or by text message in order to let me know what's going on. Hopefully the swelling will go down quickly enough so that I can understand him again.

I can actually that his face looks different, aside from the swelling. The surgery brought his upper jaw forward (don't ask me to describe in detail) so his underbite is pretty much removed. It'll probably me even more dramatic once his swelling goes away.

I'm actually pretty exhausted myself, and he freaked me out when I was trying to catch up on my sleep earlier this afternoon. I heard a loud squeal from the boyfriend and without my glasses (and because it was somewhat dark) I thought something bad was going on. Then he came up to me, and handed me his cell phone, where I had to play go-between between him and an old high school friend that he hadn't contacted with.

He saw the look in my eyes wondering what was going on, and at least he apologized and let me go back to sleep.

Otherwise, he looks pretty good for having undergone jaw surgery. Thanks for all the notes and well-wishes, btw. :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Send get well wishes for my husband!

I've been up since 5 this morning since the husband finally had jaw surgery as the last part of his orthodontic work, and spent most of the time at UCSF waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Also got my brakes fixed, but I was still stuck there waiting...

At least he's recovering right now and I'll be able to see him in an hour or so.

Please send get-well wishes to him...he'll definitely appreciate it!

Update (11:30 pm-ish): I saw him at around 6:45 today, and he looks surprisingly well. His face is a bit swollen, and he's unable to talk, but he looks none the worse for wear. He definitely should be able to come home tomorrow. Yay!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

This is an homage?

Click on this press release of slime-mold beetles named in honor of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.

From the text of the press release:

The decision to name three slime-mold beetles after Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, however, didn't have anything to do with physical features, says Quentin Wheeler, a professor of entomology and of plant biology at Cornell for 24 years until last October, but to pay homage to the U.S. leaders. "We admire these leaders as fellow citizens who have the courage of their convictions and are willing to do the very difficult and unpopular work of living up to principles of freedom and democracy rather than accepting the expedient or popular," says Wheeler, who named the beetles and wrote the recently published monograph describing the new slime-mold beetle species while a professor at Cornell.

Well, at least slime is appropriate to describe Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.

I really do need to travel...

Came across a site where you can mark all the states and/or countries that you've visited.

Here's where I've been. At least it's made me realize I need to travel more.

create your own visited states map

And here are the countries I've visited.

create your own visited countries map

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Chicken with chile peppers...or chile peppers with chicken?

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.
Part of my dinner tonight. Yes, it was that spicy!

Getting haircuts...

So I got a haircut today after realizing that trying to have my hair arranged so that you can't see my ever-growing bald spot looks silly, so asked the guy who cuts my hair (at this cheap Chinese salon on 24th/Irving) to cut it short. 15 minutes later, I feel a lot better, with my receding hairline in full view, and feeling pretty butch.

It's funny because I've never really considered growing out my hair out, except for this one time in college when it was in fashion for Asian guys to grow out the hair on top while shaving the sides and back. It looked okay, but after having to deal with that kind of hair while going to school at UC Riverside, I shaved it completely. It's probably due to my Catholic school upbringing where you couldn't have hair grow past the collar, and I've always preferred guys with short hair. Guys with long hair...well, they look a little too fem for me, especially when I see a straight couple where the guy has longer hair than the girl. Usually I mistake them as lesbians until I see the facial hair (if he has any).

I also found out that the guy who cut my hair is closing his shop down so he can start up a spa further down by the beach. I'm tempted to go if he hires cute guys to work there...otherwise I'll have to find another place to get my hair cut.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I <3 Katamari! and queer stuff in video games

Of course, now that I'm done with classes for the semester, I'm working full time.

And of course, now that I'm actually getting paid a decent amount of money, I decided to buy some video games. Most recent addiction was "We [heart] Katamari" , the sequel to Katamari Damacy, where all you do is grab a ball (otherwise known as a katamari) and roll it around in order to pick things up. As it gets bigger, you get to pick up bigger and bigger things, starting off from things like thumbtacks, pencil erasers, and the like, to bathhouses, the Eiffel Tower, a woolly mammoth.

The gameplay is pretty addicting, and your father is the King of the Cosmos who wears purple tights, which is probably the gayest thing in video games, aside from being able to have same-sex partners in Fable and Jade Empire, or the shooting game Chou Aniki, where two muscle queens shoot beams from their heads that gradually become more...erect the more you...shoot (Ok, that didn't sound very good).

Actually, it's pretty interesting to see queer stuff in video games, from the infamous massage sequence in Final Fantasy VII, to the transsexual Birdo in the Mario-oriented Nintendo games. Considering that nearly all the gay guys I knew when I was in college all played video games and all cruised each other (I mean, come on, how many other all-male outlets can you go to when you're under 21 and can't go to a bathhouse or a nightclub?), it's about time we were acknowledged. I've also heard rumors that there may be an openly gay character in Final Fantasy XII...hmmm...

Friday, December 16, 2005

You'll probably be too hung over to even notice...

From Trivia no Izumi:


On January 1, 2006, an extra second will be added at 9:00 AM. Apparently it's to readjust the clocks since the 24 hour cycle that's used all over the world is slightly inaccurate enough to warrant adding the second so that we're in sync with the actual length of a day based on the earth's rotation. Apparently these adjustments have to be made every few years.

So at 8:59:59 AM, the next second will be 8:59:60 AM, then 9:00:00 AM.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Yay! My exam's over! and recent food excursions

It's amazing how easy exams are if you actually take the time to study.

The exam went a lot better than I expected, so hopefully I was able to keep my A, but we'll see.

Also, one of my friends graduated from SFSU, so we took her out to Millenium Restaurant in SF for dinner. Amazing vegan (?), definitely vegetarian food, a lot better than the last time we went. As one of her friends said, it's nice to go to a swanky vegetarian restaurant instead of going to one that's all hippie and nasty. I had a masala dosa with garbanzo curry, and the husband had an amazing seared portobello mushroom with risotto and mashed potatoes. Most surprising thing was salt and pepper fried oyster mushrooms which had the same texture and taste as salt and pepper calamari.

I went to a sake store called True Sake over the weekend after having amazing Chicago-style pizza at Patxi's in Hayes Valley, where they had...sake in a box. I shit you not. Apparently, it was designed to make sake slush--put the juice-box like box in the freezer, put it in with a frozen decanter, and voila, slush. I also bought a really good bottle of sake to take to a friend's holiday party later on this week.

Great stuff.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Finished with the studying...

Wish me luck tomorrow (considering how much I've been studying, hopefully I won't need it).

I just need to score a 90% and I keep my A...

Next semester: organic chem at CCSF and plant/animal biology at Canada (fun! fun! fun!).

God, someone shoot me.

Monday, December 12, 2005


My brain is going to implode.

Make. it. stop. now.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

things I've done when I should be studying for my final...

Oh, I HAVE studied (of course)...

Went to a fabulous party for a friend's birthday last night and didn't get hung over at all.

Worked out, then worked, then studied. then worked, then studied, then studied.

Bought a few video games (We love Katamari; Taito Legends (Bubble Bobble, Jungle Hunt, 3 versions of Space Invaders and "Super" Qix!; and Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix 3).

Bought the husband's Xmas gifts (the entire compilations of both Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side).

Did Body Pump.

I've tried to crash, but I've been studying too much.

Let's just say I'll be glad when 10 AM Tuesday morning comes around.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Species Invaders, part 2

So as to get extra credit and FINALLY have an A in my bio class, I helped clear French broom from Alta Avenue/Tennessee Valley up in Marin City (which I had only gone there before either to buy stuff at Best Buy and Ross at the mall off that exit).

French broom is apparently a plant from the Mediterranean that was brought over as an ornamental, and like the ice plants from South Africa that I helped clear a few weeks ago, spread all over the Bay because our climate is similar to the Mediterranean, is similar to the South African coast, etc. In order to get to the hillside where we cleared these plants, we (Joanna, the girl who I took a picture of after we had finished clearing the hillside, and me) had to hike about a mile and a half through privately owned land, where the French broom was left unchecked. There was a big difference, especially after we had finished clearing. The French broom was rampant all over the private land, and by the time we had cleared the hillside, all you could see were native grasses, a few coyote brush shrubs, and some dried out blackberry bushes.

Clearing the hillside required using weed wrenches, which are exactly what the name implies, 2-1/2 foot tall wrenches that are used to grab onto the weeds at their base, and leverage is used to pull the plants out of the ground, especially the roots. Considering we were on a hillside and that we had to hike quite a bit, it was pretty exhausting doing it, and I had to slow down because my back wasn't too happy with having to twist and turn in ways it wasn't used to.

My friend and I did this with a group of other biology students from CCSF, some of whom asked why this was necessary. "If the plants are already doing well, why is it such a bad thing?" some guy asked. The volunteers organizing (sweetly) talked to them about the importance of biodiversity--if these plants are left unchecked, then other species (such as monarch butterflies) that depend on the original plants have nothing to eat, since these plants have taken all the nutrients in the soil and are thriving because there are no natural predators for them in the Bay, thus leading to a major domino effect. She also went to talk about how plants from the Bay are also posing the same types of problems in Europe and South Africa, particularly a type of fern that's grown in the redwood forests, but are a huge problem in Europe and South Africa, similar to the French broom. The first picture is of my friend Joanna, and the second is the cleared hillside.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Tickets from the Energy 92.7 first year anniversary blast!

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

The loving husband bought tickets to this show that we saw last night. Lots of different performers, Lola (No Strings Attached), DHT, Judy Torres (a freestyle singer that I remember from back in the day in Santa Clara/San Jose listening to Hot 97.7), Stonebridge (surprisingly the least impressive, since they had a relatively dull 45 minute set), Amber (who's starting to look a lot like Tita Aida), Thelma Houston (disco queen diva, looking faboo while singing "Don't Leave Me This Way,"), and Deborah Cox (trying to sound all country when bitch is from Toronto!).

Anyway, it was a good time, even though I had to deal with people's deodorant failing (especially one white guy who the husband labeled Aggro Bottom since he kept brushing his nonexistent booty up against us, and who started smelling like 420 once he started to really dance). Cool high point was watching my former hip hop teacher, Bo, and his new troupe from Gold's Gym do some cute routines. Another funny part was watching all these girls looking at me like they're interested, even when dancing with the husband, and having a guy try to hit on me by tugging at my tanktop and smiling, not saying a word). He was kinda cute, but the fact that he didn't even try to introduce him was a little offputting.

I actually like Energy a lot, especially since it's the only radio station that's truly independently owned in SF, and it's extremely gay-positive and friendly, with 4 out of the 5 radio hosts openly gay.

Here's the link to their web site.

Friday, December 02, 2005

This is the husband taking a picture while we're hanging out at Ocean Beach, SF, Thanksgiving day.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

This is a picture of my friend, Ted, and the husband, also at Ocean Beach, SF, Thanksgiving day.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World AIDS Day Reflections

A bunch of us LGBT bloggers of color are coordinating an effort to raise awareness about World AIDS Day.

Here's a link from a friend, Bernie Tarver, who's spearheading this.

World AIDS Day

So today's World AIDS Day.

Growing up and coming out in the early 90s, AIDS was a constant. Being bombarded by images of people being ravaged by the disease, feeling the anger that rose in me (even as a kid) when people would put up homophobic, racist and misogynistic bullshit to justify why AIDS should exist, it was part of the reason why I wanted to become a health care professional; to help out other queers of color in prevention and care. Seeing the advent of drugs like protease inhibitors and other biologics as a means of care, and also the strict regimens and vaccines that have developed in an attempt to try to stop the disease has also been an interest in my research, first as a sociologist, and now as a budding pre-med/pre-pharm student, and part of the reason why I've always done research and built my activism around HIV/AIDS.

Although I gradually started to meet APIs with HIV/AIDS in the early to mid-90s, it really didn't hit home for me until a close friend seroconverted about 5 years ago. Although I've been relatively safe (and have never gotten an STD except for a cured syphilis infection that I didn't even know about until I got tested for it), it did shock me to my core. For a while, it was hard for me to have sex because I was so freaked about it. It's taken me a while to reintegrate feeling sexual and being healthy, and I'm gradually reclaiming sex as part of my sexuality.

What's scary to me is seeing how acquaintances (most of my friends participated in HIV/AIDS activism at one point or another) and other random people, like young people particularly, that I talk to are unconcerned about HIV/AIDS--where the protease inhibitors and other drug regimens are seen as a way out, and completely disregarding that these drugs must be taken on a strict timetable. The drugs are extremely toxic since they mess up the way the body reacts to itself by fucking with DNA (as with AZT) and with gene expression (like with protease inhibitors) in order to prevent the virus from being able to replicate. Unfortunately, they're really the only way that HIV can be stopped to any certain degree, unless people are predisposed to being unaffected because of unknown genetic factors. With the growing awareness of use of methamphetamines (though it's always been a problem within the API community), and how sex is apparently amazing under its influence, it's even harder now to convince people to be aware and know their risk factors and protect themselves.

But I also see that people are fighting back by integrating the science with culturally appropriate ways to try to stop the spread, especially within communities of color. The awareness that queers do exist in our communities is a bit heartening to see (even if it does come from the DL phenomenon which is so irritating). If I do end up being a doctor (or pharmacist, or whatever)--I'd continue to be part of this drive.

So everyone, please be safe, and if you need resources contact me--I WAS the executive director of FTFA, you know. :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The six word novel...

I ran into a little clip about this in the Utne Reader, and have been really curious about it. Apparently, this was started as a contest by Hemingway and some other writer-type folk who bet that he could write an entire novel in 6 words.

Hemningway's take: "For sale: Baby shoes. Never used."

It got me thinking...if you could write a novel in six words, how would you do it?

Here's a link I saw from another blog about this.

Considering the husband tries to do a haiku at the end of his posts on his blog, I guess I can start doing the 6 word novel on mine.

Here are some of my takes:
From a gaping hole, crowded limbs.

"I'm gay," he said. "And?" "And?!!"

He pulled the trigger. "Good night."

"I thee wed." "For HOW much?!"

Cowering, gasping, she locked the door.

This is a lot harder than I expected! Any other 6 word novels would be greatly appreciated.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pictures at SF Japantown Peace Plaza...

First picture is the pagoda at the plaza, the rest are Xmas decorations (sorry it's blurry, but it was at night).

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Originally uploaded by stkyrice.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I feel so butch!

This morning I went over to Pacifica to do some extra credit (i.e., yard work) for the bio class I'm taking at CCSF. My bio teacher has an agreement with the Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy to help do some necessary clean-up work for the various parks all over the Bay Area, and luckily the one I had to go to, Milagra Ridge, was a short 10 minute drive.

My friend and I got there just a couple of minutes late, but late enough so that we didn't have to pull up grasses and deal with poison oak. We ended up getting to clear off South African ice plants which are planted by CalTrans to fight erosion along the beaches, like SF's Ocean Beach, but are a nuisance in other areas around the bay since they reduce biodiversity by crowding out native plants since these plants thrive in the Bay Area because our climates are similar. They were actually pretty easy to clear out, and we were treated to wonderful views of Pacifica (one of the few days where it wasn't completely foggy!) and a mini history lecture of the place.

Apparently, during World War II, the whole place was a site for nuclear missile defense. Fortunately for us, they realized that the nuclear fallout from any missiles launched from that area would be blown right back into the Bay, thanks to the ocean breezes that come onshore, and so these outposts were abandoned. Another funny fact was that in an attempt to hide these defense outposts, the government had originally tried to camouflage these outposts by planting trees. However, because the California coastline is primarily brush plants, the trees had the unintended effect of making them stand out even more from the air. As the (cute) guide told us, if you see a bunch of trees along the coast, more likely than not, they're old WW2 defense outposts. Before these outposts, the whole area was all artichoke farms, which are now solely located in the Monterey Bay.

Pictures from this morning are in my FlickR filmstrip on the side.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Thoughts about my childhood...

I've recently been poring over some old mementos that I got a couple years ago from my dad's house after my mom passed and it got me thinking about memories from grade school. I went to Catholic schools from kindergarten to 9th grade, so it was pretty traumatic. :) For some reason, it's been extremely hard for me to even think about them because I don't have a lot of very fond memories of those years, being the kid who was continually being picked on because my family was working class, because I was Filipino, because I was effeminate, etc. It was also at this time that my mom started to manifest a lot of mental health problems, particularly with paranoia, which she was never treated for. That, more than anything, really influenced my teenage years, which were basically spent trying to get away from her as much as possible.

I had spent a considerable amount of time trying to run away, both mentally and physically, away from those memories ever since I went to college. It took a couple of years of therapy when I first started graduate school at UCSF for me to finally reconcile a lot of those feelings towards my mom and be able to look at those years with some good memories. The therapy helped me renew a relationship with my mom, something that I'm grateful for since we re-established a strong connection with each other before she passed, even being ok with my husband. She was the main reason he went down to see my family, and he hasn't had a reason to see them since she passed. I don't particularly blame him, either.

Combined with the fact that my sexuality was something completely ignored and unaccepted by those closest to me growing up until I met my first boyfriend at 16, I didn't really felt like I belonged anywhere growing up, and had to make plans to find places where I would be accepted for who I was completely, which is probably why I looked to the internet to find a community of friends, many of whom I still keep in touch with 10+ years later.

What was probably one of the most painful times was the rejection of my best friend from grade school after I came out to him during my freshman year in college, even though it was pretty obvious that we were both gay. He basically didn't talk to me again after that. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to let him know that my mom had passed, though I don't even know if he's still around (or alive, for that matter).

I also wonder about my first boyfriend who I stopped talking to my senior year--a guy who was supposedly involved with gangs, and yet was surprisingly comfortable with being with me. He talked about living together after graduation from high school, but I was way too young and too closeted to even think of that possibility at 17. I'm not sure what happened to him either, especially since although all the queer Vietnamese guys seem to know each other, his name has never come up in those circles. During my 10 year high school reunion, I was curious to see if he would show up, but he didn't, leaving me the only openly queer person at my reunion 5 years ago.

I'm also curious about my ex-best-friend, a fundamentalist Christian who screwed me over (not literally, thank God), and a whole bunch of girls by giving them hepatitis C. He was basically a misogynist pig, and I think he was closeted as well, since he couldn't really maintain relationships with women and all these gay guys seemed to gravitate towards him and he didn't mind their attention at all.

With all the drama that's happened this past year, my circle of friends has shrunk considerably, and that's something that's actually been a huge blessing in disguise. With this year coming to a close (thank God), I'm glad that what I went through growing up has given me a reserve to pull through, especially since it feels like I've been through the wringer....

Isn't this supposed to be November?

Why the hell is it 70+ degrees now, and for the whole week?!


Friday, November 11, 2005

I'd like to make a huge announcement!

My friend, Joz, ...

is not pregnant.

Isn't that wonderful news?

If she were pregnant, I'd have fainted, especially since I don't know how it could logically happen...:)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

More on George Takei's coming out...

From, the San Francisco Chronicle's website.

I'm not sure why this is so thrilling, especially since he has been pretty out already, especially within the Asian American and JA communities--I guess it's because he's not out.

Maybe because he is really coming out to the mainstream--who all seemed to know anyway.

I guess what I found more exciting is that he actually met his partner when he was 50--when most gay men have already thrown in the towel, so to speak.

Who knows?

Friday, November 04, 2005

What (not?) to do for a birthday cake?

And to celebrate my 100th post on this damn thing...

Considering the husband took me to the French Laundry last March for my birthday, nothing could top that...

And if I really wanted a penis for my birthday, I want a real penis, not a penis cake...


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Googling myself again (in private, of course)...

I ran into this little tidbit about me winning the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Social and Economic Justice Scholarship.

It was even featured in a link in UCSF's In the News Today.

Too bad it says I'm a doctoral student in the sociology program...

I was *sheepish grin*. :)

Looking even further down on the list--I'm featured ...

in All Asian Cuties?!

What the fuck is that shit all about?!


Got my flu shot today.


Hopefully I can work out tonight, but...


Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I suck.

I got my cell phone stolen or pickpocketed yesterday, and was thrown into a conniption fit until I got the loving husband to get me a new cell phone and go on his plan with Cingular. Considering I was getting tired of the Sidekick, I guess it's a bit fortuitous, but still I would've liked to sell it and make some money off of it. Sheesh.

So I'll be getting the Nokia 6102, a clamshell, that does what I need it to do. Can't complain about it.

I'll probably get the Treo or a Pocket PC next year, but for now it'll be nice to have a phone small enough to actually fit in my pocket without it looking like I have a big brick in my pants.

Other reasons why I suck:

I'm addicted to Sudoku (Thanks Joz and Allie :P).

I think that's enough suckage for one day.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Stupid ass thing overheard at lunch...

Guy rolls into the restauarant while I'm waiting for my lunch...

Orders, then turns on his laptop.

Guy next to him: "Is that Windows XP?"


"Is it Apple?"


Sunday, October 30, 2005

Celebrities and coming out...

With all the painfully obvious celebrities coming out recently, Sheryl Swoopes, George Takei, and others, I think it's high time we make a list of people who are also very obviously queer who haven't come out...

and should stay closeted.

And, of course, some reason, I'm having a complete brain fart and can't think of anyone...

Except Richard Simmons, who apparently cried and carried on when he was asked about his sexuality.

Geez, make it more obvious, why dontcha?

Suggestions most welcome!

This stuff happens in San Francisco?

So I'm at an acquaintance's Halloween party with the husband and didn't know anyone there except some of our mutual friends who belong to his Dungeons & Dragons group...

After they left to go to another party, I didn't really know anyone there, so I could go into my sociologist mode and made a few observations.

1. The husband decided to go into S&M drag/Village People drag (the leather guy, and the husband decides to wear a chain mail top with leather cap and ripped up blue jeans), and gets hit on by both men and women.

A buxom blonde (female) nurse said to him, "What would happen if you tried to kiss me?"

The husband replies, "Well, my boyfriend wouldn't like it, for one thing..."

I just smiled.

I also pointed out that when he took off his chain mail top so that one of our friends' boyfriends could try it, immediately 10 guys stare at his back, mouths agape, then whip out their cameraphones to take pictures of his back tat. Never mind that none of them talk to him.

Gee, did I really look like the menacing boyfriend?!

2. There were about 6 guys wearing the same damn outfit--looking like Olivia Newton-John from her Physical video. It would've been ok if they all went together at the same time and coordinated it...

but they didn't.

So one of the white guys in the outfit tries to hit on both me and the husband saying, "Have we met before?"

And we both reply, "Uh, no..."

Then the white guy tries to have small talk with us, which was okay, until...

The white guy sees this other guy who's wearing the same ONJ outfit, who happens to be Asian, and asks him, "So do you know these guys?"

We both look at each other and say, "Uh, no."

The guy in the green says, "Why? Should we?"

I say, "Yeah, why? I've never met him before." (He is kinda cute...)

There is a pregnant pause....

And then he says, "Is it because...we're ASIAN?!"

We both start laughing while the white guy slowly slinks off, humiliated. He doesn't talk to any of us the rest of the night.

Geez, if this weren't SF, it may be a bit excusable--but in SF, come on!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Captain Jack gone?

Captain Jack, really only known in the US for being part of Konami's famous Dance Dance Revolution and other Bemani video games, died last week in Berlin from complications of a stroke and resulting coma.

The only people who would really know (or care) who he was in the US were fellow DDR players (like myself) who would play his songs--he was one of the first to have the dreaded 9-footer songs (Captain Jack--which I almost beat once, and then never tried again).

Here's the link to the story and here's a link about him in German (he was more well known in Europe and Asia anyway).

I'll probably play a couple games of DDR in his memory later on this weekend.

Geez, what else can you do?

So I was reading through my more professional e-mail accounts and got an e-mail from a woman thinking that she was sending something out to her girlfriend/friend/lover/whatever, presumably from a work address.

Ack. At least it wasn't erotic.

So I sent her a gentle e-mail reminding her to confirm such e-mails and to be careful about sending e-mails through a work address, like so:

Hi there--

Not to sound rude, but you have the wrong e-mail

Please ask your friend to confirm the right e-mail
address and hopefully you won't be sending personal
e-mails to a total stranger.

You might also want to send personal e-mails out from
a more personal address like through or since e-mails sent through your job e-mail
are your firm's property and could be used as evidence
that you're not spending your time wisely at work.

Have a good day.

About frickin' time!

George Takei comes out in the Advocate...

uh, duh?

Here's the link.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

This whole "coming out" thing...

So I just noticed that Saving Face just came out on video, and watching the trailer already made me think of the similarities I have with the movie's main character, and also my whole coming out process.

In essence, I'm pretty much out as queer to everybody--except for family members who are pretty clueless and don't want to talk about it. And that's the sad, scary, weird and funny part--keeping up appearances while maintaining some semblance of the truth hanging over us. Even when my mom passed on a couple years ago and I demanded that my husband be one of the pallbearers, no one raised an eyebrow and they just let it happen, even though most people had no idea who the heck he was--and even now, it gets annoying that a lot of my relatives don't recognize who he is--or acknowledge him, wondering when the hell I'm going to get married.

Geez, isn't having my marriage broadcast all over the Philippine News, KTSF and the International Channel enough?

And also considering what my dad's done since my mom's passed, well, let's just say that similar predicaments have happened like in the movie, and I think we're both fumbling around to try to get to know each other better, but the barriers between us have been hard to overcome, and I'm trying to get over them, but not sure how.

I'm not sure why this is so hard for me to do--I mean, jeez, my dad's seen me with Howard since '97 and I'm still afraid of coming out to him? Sheesh...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Aside from feeling needy...

Not much is really going on here, just stopped my most favorite ice cream shop in the whole wide world, Mitchell's (on San Jose Ave. and 29th Street in the Outer Mission in SF) and tried to eat a Caramel Dazzler, a sundae with two scoops of Dulce de Leche ice cream, hot fudge, hot caramel, caramel cup candies (like Reese's, only filled with caramel), whipped cream and a cherry. I could only eat half of it because I had to drive a friend visiting from Honolulu to the airport and by the time I could finally get back to eating the damn thing, it had already melted. Ick.

They also have a new flavor called Lacuma, named from a native Peruvian fruit whose flesh is pumpkin-colored but tastes like maple syrup. I tried a little bit and it was actually really tasty.

I'm also really liking my new job (working 3 jobs and doing part-time pre-pharm is so much fun!) at St. Mary's since it's so chill but busy enough to keep me occupied my whole shift. It also helps that I'm making 25% more there than I am at any of my other jobs. :p

Other than that, not much--just leave comments or say hi--I feel like I'm posting into the ever-enlarging black hole of bandwidth...

hey! does anyone read this thing?

leave a comment please!

(yes, I am feeling rather needy at the moment :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

(straight) weddings...

So I'm going to a wedding for one of my cousins, who after 10+ years (!) of dating the same guy, is finally marrying him tomorrow.

While I'm looking forward to it because we are relatively close, I get annoyed because most of my extended family's still in major denial of me being gay despite having my marriage broadcast to most of Asia and the US through TV, newspapers, etc. For the most part, I've resigned myself to the fact that they won't get it, but sometimes I really wish that they actually just would so they can stop tiptoeing around the issue. I don't have a problem talking about my sexuality (obviously), but it comes to a point where I really don't care to anymore, especially since my family is extremely homophobic, and talking to them about issues of this sort is like talking to a brick wall.

My family hasn't exactly been the most open regarding queerness by any means--I remember meeting a distant relative almost 20+ years ago who was a trans woman and had a boyfriend at a time. I thought it was incredible and extremely brave, even with my own internalized homo- and transphobia as a kid, while everyone else just put her down in Ilokano (when she wasn't around of course), so my coming out as a queer was basically met with a huge question mark by the rest of the family who was pretty much blind to the whole thing. Here I was, being seen as one of the few relatively great hopes of the family, and yet I got my kicks by being with other guys. Never mind that my relationship with the husband has now been over 8 1/2 years long, but it's just something that the older generation doesn't talk about, and the younger generation is either overly interested, or simply doesn't care. I kinda prefer the "don't care" relatives myself.

So I usually just leave my relatives alone and don't care to see most of them unless I absolutely have to, and my life is actually a lot less complicated because of that.

Enough of the brain farts...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Cutting my (ever receding) hair...

So I went to go get my hair cut earlier this afternoon, and while I usually don't really care too much about my hair and have resigned myself to the fact that I probably will get the dreaded halo (and am prepared to keep my head shaved for the rest of my life once that happens) by the time I'm in my 40s, it's a shock to actually see more and more of my head everytime I go to the barber.

The funny thing is that I've never really cared too much about whether I'm going to become bald because for most of my childhood, my dad had the stereotypical comb-over which I thought was just ridiculous. Because he was so afraid of losing his hair, my dad had a hard time cutting my hair whenever I demanded that he cut my hair short--and when I did try to have him cut it short, it ended being cut really badly.

On a tangent, that was one of the ways that my dad and I hung out--he would cut my hair and we would talk about things, but as he got older, his hairstyles got worse and worse and I eventually ended up getting my hair cut at a barber. I think my dad was a little disappointed when I started doing that, though we do tend to bond now during different times (like when we have to drive to the never-ending gatherings and all the damn drama I went through earlier this year).

The nice thing about it now is that he shaves his head all the time now, and he has me to thank for it. I ended up shaving my head about 6 or 7 years ago, and when my dad saw me for the first time with my head shaved, he couldn't stop staring at it, as if I had done something odd. Considering the other haircuts I've had in the past that my dad hated (from the bleached hair that all Filipinos go through in high school--to the leave-the-top-long-till-it-grows-over-your-head-while-shaving-the-sides-and-the-back thing that all the Asian guys did in the early 90s), he seemed to actually approve. Mind you, this was still while he had his horrid combover.

The next time I saw him a couple weeks later, my mom pulled me aside and said, "Your dad copied you!" Sure enough, as soon as I saw my dad, he had shaved his head like mine. "Like father, like son!" my mom laughed.

At least, he finally got rid of that damn combover.

So now that I'm really coming to grips with the fact that I am following in his tracks genetically, I've decided to at least look like I have hair until the halo effect becomes too great, though I love having guys rub my head when it's either fully shaved or just has a whisper of growth around it. I think it's a turn-on for both the rub-er and the rub-ee. :)

The nice thing to know about this is that (from my biology class) pattern baldness is determined by testosterone levels as well as hereditary, so my hormones are still raging (relatively anyway). Plus, I know who I can blame that (and all my other hormonal tendencies) on.


Well, here's what it says about mine--I usually wear briefs or boxer briefs myself. I'm not a big fan of boxers since I don't like the "flopping around" sensation, and I like running around in my underwear (only with cute guys about :)

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not!

You are childlike (or childish), and prone to run around in your underwear.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Yay! The Sisters rock!

I just got a phone call from the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, who told me that I've won their scholarship! Woo hoo!

I hadn't heard from them since I had applied literally last year, so I thought it was a lost cause until I got the phone call tonight.

The funny thing is that the Sisters scared me at first when I saw them growing up since I had no idea what they were about, but after I came out and became comfortable, I finally know what they stand for, and the incredible work that they do for the queer community.

This is really going to help with fees for next semester--ack!

Recent goings-on!

Let's see, in no particular order:

o Went to a friend's wedding (here's the groom's blog and here's the bride's blog). One of the most Filipino and yet one of the most fabulously subversive weddings I've ever been to. They tweaked so many of the elements and have proven how a straight wedding can really be seen as a true partnership between a man and a woman instead of traditional weddings that make the wife too much like a piece of property. The piece de resistance was watching Michelle do kali in her wedding gown, which I thought was just fucking amazing. Makes me want to find the time to really learn kali!

o Husband's slowly recovering from his recent back injury, and I finally went to PT because I've had some chronic shoulder soreness (which ended up just being a really chronic strain of the acromioclavicular joint). I've had to drastically reduce my weights while working out while I focus on form, and I'm more sore because of that more than anything. Even after only two weeks of doing my PT exercises, the joint has already started to loosen up and I can actually move my arms fine without feeling the intense pain I did before.

o Because the husband hurt his back, we had to cancel our annual Hawai'i trip (which is fine, because I'm flat broke anyway). Considering I finally got that part-time transcription job I was hoping for at St. Mary's Hospital (after two weeks of sweating out to make sure all my references and the damn physical tests panned out), I'll finally have some money to pay all my late bills and hopefully save some for other things.

o Had my midterm in my biology class, and I'm almost positive I got at least an A-, if not a flat out A. I'm really excited, though next semester I plan on taking two classes, second semester bio and first semester of organic chemistry, then apply for UCSF Pharm over the summer of '06, while taking the final 3 classes (second semester o-chem, human phys and speech :P during the summer and fall '06). I've never been so excited to take science classes, and it's just weird how easily it's been coming to me, especially since taking bio and chem classes in college seemed so much harder!

o During my friends' wedding reception, I ran into some former colleagues of mine when I taught at SFSU's Asian American Studies department, and told them that I left the Ph.D. program at UCSF and planning on hoping to go back there for pharmacy. They were pretty supportive, which is always a great sign.

o I'm finally donating my old iMac (along with some other stuff, like an old printer, and an old DSL modem and wireless router) to a friend's nonprofit for tenants' rights here in SF. I had a love-hate relationship with the thing, even though I still have a soft spot for Macs, even though I really do love my tablet.

o In the process of cleaning up said iMac, I ran into some old pictures that I had locked away, and I can now appreciate how far I've come in working out and taking better care of myself while still maintaining all the parts of me that I've always liked the most (god-DAMN, I have a nice ass! :)

o I also ran into some old pics of my mom that I had also stored away. Made me think about the relationship I had with my mom, and the really intense emotions we always had for each other. At the same time, I see how expectations and locking up security solely in materials really, well, screwed my mom up in terms of her worldview on things. My mom had a lot of things, but she was so paranoid about losing them that she never really left the house all that much in the last few years of her life. Maybe because of that, I've never been very good in finances, though I'm really trying now to get better at it.

o I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who's now in a similar situation like mine in NYC and she made an interesting point. We had spent the first part of our lives trying to take care of other people while forgetting about our own needs. Now, we're both learning how to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty about putting ourselves first. She had NO idea how true that was. In our own ways, we're trying to take care of ourselves and we're both realizing how freeing that is. It's weird to actually do all the things I'm doing now and not feel any twinges of guilt at all.

Current life in a nutshell. :)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

What cell phone should I get?

Well, I'm probably going to switch cell phone carriers soon since I've been on T-Mobile, and while it's not bad, it isn't necessarily all that great either. I've also had their Sidekick in its various guises for the past couple of years. The loving husband decided to switch over to Cingular, primarily since T-Mobile rides off of Cingular anyway for coverage here in San Francisco.

So I'm trying to decide between saving money now or waiting a couple months to switch over to Cingular and get either the Audiovox SMT5600 since it's a smart phone and one of my girlfriends, MusicChyck, loves hers, or just dish out the money to get the Treo 650 or 700 when it comes out later. Since I'm planning on going to either pharmacy or medical school, having the Treo makes more sense since it'd be easier to reference stuff.

Decisions, decisions...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I'm such a fucking nerd...

So here I am on a Friday night at midnight...and what do I do?

Schoolwork--just finished a report that isn't due for at least a few weeks and feeling pretty proud of myself until I realized how really fucking pathetic that was.


Saturday, September 24, 2005

Follow up to Mary Had a Little Lamb

Regarding my post on calling Mary Had a Little Lamb on a phone:

Apparently Fuji TV, the TV network that makes Trivia no Izumi, had to issue a warning on the web site to not call the phone on land lines or public phones, since punching in the digits will actually cause them to call someone up (well, duh).

The translation from Google is pretty hilarious. Here's the link.

More trivia from Trivia no Izumi!

From Trivia no Izumi:


8 months before Apple came out with their iPod in Japan, Zojirushi, a company known here in the US for rice cookers and electric bread makers, introduced i-Pot (the site's in Japanese), an electric water boiler that monitored its usage. People can look up a specific i-Pot on the internet to see when it was used.

This was aimed primarily at the elderly to provide some sort of monitoring, since many elderly in Japan live alone and this was an easy unintrusive way of checking up on them.

The actual show had a clip of an old woman using the i-Pot to make tea, then using her iPod to listen to (and dance!) to "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz.

The i-Pot seems like an interesting concept, but I'm not sure if there'd be an equivalent of something like that that could be used here in the US. A George Foreman grill maybe?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How I spent my weekend...

The weekend was pretty much uneventful, though we did get to see a show put on by the Japanese Cultural and Community Center of Northern California highlighting 5 Japanese American entertainers who were well known in the 50s and 60s: Mako, Pat Suzuki, James Shigeta, Pat Morita, and George Takei.

It consisted primarily of songs, tributes by various actors (the highlight was watching Tamlyn Tomita touch herself repeatedly while paying tribute to Pat Morita and Gedde Watanabe's tribute to Pat Suzuki).

The most curious tribute was the one to George Takei where, while there was no mention of his long history of supporting the LGBT community or him being openly queer, they did get a girl to sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," which immediately brought snickers to all my queer friends there (and the husband). Gedde Watanabe (otherwise known as the infamous Long Duc Dong in Sixteen Candles) was apparently also seen at Badlands hamming it up the night before.

What did surprise me is that for all the racist bullshit that these actors had to go through while they were making it big in Hollywood and Broadway, there were a number of sensitively portrayed movies and other things that were done by these performers--stuff that seemed almost improbable today even if America claims to be more culturally aware.

Some cases in point:
o James Shigeta played a Nisei (or is it Kibei?) in Crimson Kimono who falls in love and actually gets the (white) girl in the end.

o Flower Drum Song, the 1960 movie (which is playing for free thanks to Kearny Street West), was apparently the highest budgeted movie to date, and was the first (and probably only) full-length feature movie with an all-Asian American cast.

o Pacific Overtures, a Sondheim (*gag*) musical about American imperialism in Japan, was cast originally with an all Asian American male cast.

I also had no idea Pat Morita and James Shigeta were so hot back in the day...

Which brings me to a way-off tangent.

I remember seeing a book about photographs of same-sex couples pre-Stonewall and was absolutely stunned to find a picture from the 1940s of an Asian-Asian (presumably American) male couple in the book. I'm curious to know who these guys were, and what their story is. The name of the book escapes me, but I'll post it once I find out about it.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Only to be used with cheap champagne...

From Trivia no Izumi:


If you put a raisin in champagne, the raisin will float up then back down, and float up again.

Recommended for the cheap stuff, not the Veuve Cliquot or Dom Perignon.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The poor husband...

He slept 15 hours last night, after taking the 3 meds he's supposed to take...

He woke up at 3, had something to eat, took his next round of meds, watched TiVo for 3 hours, then promptly started sleeping again.

At least I got my work done and my studying done, and was able to do a whole bunch of other things while he's sleeping, and his back is feeling better.

Oh yeah, I have an interview next Friday--wish me luck. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Nothing least with me, anyway

Due to popular demand (hi joz :P), here's an update on what's going on with me...

--My poor husband threw out his back while doing kickboxing last night, and he's hobbling around. According to him, he did a kick, felt a twinge in his back, and couldn't move halfway through the class.

Ouch. I was supposed to work out afterwards, but thankfully the class at my gym (UCSF's Milberry Union, probably one of the better clubs in SF) got cancelled so I took him home straight away (after getting him some Hawaiian food at Ono over on Sloat by SF State, of course)

We went to see a doctor this afternoon who thinks he may have either accidentally compressed a disk in his spine or gotten sciatica. In his confusion at the office, he said, "yeah, I hurt my sciatic nerve. Let me show you..."

The poor receptionist looked at him in horror as I said, "Honey, I'm a medical transcriptionist. I know where it is. You don't need to show me."


So now he's hopped up on Vicodin, Flexeril and ibuprofen and forced to lie down on his back for at least the next 3 days. It's just as well, since he's in so much pain that he can't even bend down to put his shoes on (guess who had to do that! :P).

Poor thing--I guess it's a good reminder for me to be careful when working out--I usually err on the side of caution and don't push myself when I don't need to, and I definitely stop when I feel that something's not going right. My husband has a bad habit of pushing himself a bit too hard at times when he exercises, but with a back injury like this, it can happen at any time for no reason, so I know that's not the issue here.

--I'm kicking ass in my Bio class. I guess that's not much of a surprise, but it does help that I'm extremely underemployed so I have a lot of time to actually study. It also helps that my teacher is at least queer-friendly, if not a dyke herself.

She outed me the day I left to go down to LA. She was explaining some chemistry concepts and talking about attraction between ions and said, "Suppose Efren and I are attracted to each other and holding hands..."

She stops at that point, looks at me, and says, "Well, maybe that's not such a good example."

Everyone in my lab starts laughing in lecture, and I'm blushing. Not that I really care all that much to be outed, but geez.

--I'm still deciding whether I want to apply for pharmacy or medical school, though I'm about 98% sure I'll apply for pharmacy just because it seems so much more suited with what I want to do with my life. Guess all those years transcribing medical exams is actually coming in handy.

--I've been taking a hip hop class at my gym for the past few months (little known fact: I've been taking hip hop for about 10+ years, but you will never get me to perform any moves for you, even if I'm stinkin' drunk or high) and it's interesting to watch the people in the class (practically all women, and who have had really no experience with hip hop outside from the class and/or what their kids listen to on the radio). If anything, they're frickin' way too serious about the class. For me, dance has always been more about having fun and enjoying myself, not being self-conscious if my booty shaking or my isolations are correct (and I know they're not). The ones who look the best are the ones who are just taking it for fun and really enjoying themselves--and it shows. I find it funny to watch these people practice their moves over and over, while I pretty much forget it as soon as the hour is up (except for my kinetic/bodily memory, anyway). If it were something that demanded more technical expertise, like a more advanced hip hop class, or even the Lindy Hop or other dance classes the gym offers, I can understand the need to practice. But beginning hip hop, frankly, isn't all that difficult. Once I remind people to just have fun, they look so much better.

--I need to hang out with more gay guys. That's pretty ironic considering that most of the time I hang out with other folk, straight men, queer and straight women, etc., because most of the time, most gay men piss me off, just because of their weird politics or the sexual tension that seems to happen every time I meet another gay man (unless I nip it in the bud immediately by talking about the husband--or unless I want to encourage that tension :). There's a certain energy that comes across from other gay men that I don't get at all with other people, and considering I've been sequestering myself from it for a while, I guess I need to get back into the swing of things.

So that's all in my life. If there are any cute gay men who want to hang out with me, e-mail me. :)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

What I did on Labor Day weekend...

I went to LA to visit friends that I hadn't seen in a while and ended up getting a huge dose of nostalgia.

We stayed with a friend of mine who I met 10+ years ago when I was coming out, and we've basically been good friends ever since, though we didn't get a chance to really hang out since the husband and I were doing our thing while he was doing his. Hung out with my ex-bf and went to the Getty Center (which was pretty cool, especially since we saw 3 deer running up the hill when we were walking back to my car, along with all the great exhibits), and also with jozjozjoz and yoshi (we were there till 2 in the morning!). The husband and I went with jozjozjoz et al to this restaurant called Usui where I ended up getting this chanko nabe (the soup that sumo wrestlers eat since I was having a craving) and ended up getting this huge pot of stew for $9. I think the husband has pix of it, but not sure.

The main reason why we went down was for my friends' BBQ (they just bought a house over in Pasadena), and we ended up going to Lucky Boy (this greasy spoon on Arroyo Blvd. in Pasadena a mile after the 110 freeway ends in Pasadena) and gorged on fried veggies (amazing deep fried zucchini and onion rings) before walking out to Old Pasadena.

Along the way to Lucky Boy/Old Pasadena, I had to drive down a couple freeways that I was really familiar with since I used to live in South Pasadena and that's when the first twinges of nostalgia hit. It made me think of all the stuff that's happened to me ever since I lived there (broke up with my ex and got together with my husband; left two PhD programs) and all the old haunts that I used to go to in Old Pasadena where I graded papers and studied for my MA.

Then driving to our friends' BBQ really got me going--I basically ran into all my queer Asian friends that I hung out with when I was at UCR--one of whom remembered my old fundie days when I was still trying to be an ex-gay (Thank God that didn't work out). We all talked about the old days, what we've been up to over the past 10 years, all the old drama and gossip. It made me remember what I was like in my early 20s, and made me really glad I'm now in my early 30s. :)

Nostalgia's a weird thing sometimes, since (at least for me) I tend to gloss over a lot of the stuff and conveniently forget all the bad stuff that's happened and remember the fleeting moments of happiness and joy, although looking back, all those times when I was confused and upset, when I had no idea what the hell was going to happen to me, when it seemed my world was turned upside down only to right itself out. I've started to appreciate it. I guess this has been pretty pertinent considering that I've been thinking about whether I regret leaving both UCSB and UCSF's soc PhD programs, and not pursuing pharmacy earlier, or whatnot; or regret ever being the executive director (and/or executioner) of FTFA, etc. It also made me realize that things work out for a reason, whether it be Fate or God or whoever you want to believe in.

My husband's always said, "Do whatever makes you happy and I'll support you."

It's nice to know that he kept on saying that, and that I'm finally starting to do that for myself, and not just depending on him and my other friends. It feels like for the first time in a long time, I'm allowing myself to really do what I want to do, even if it's extremely scary and I'm in a (temporarily) precarious position.

That's the funny thing--I'm at a pretty difficult place financially and whatnot, but it feels like I'm happy with myself--the first time I've felt like this in years.

I used to think that nostalgia was for people who had nothing left to live for in the present. Now I'm realizing that there are reasons for nostalgia--and to make sure that you don't forget all the lessons learned during that time.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Yes, I changed my template...

I was getting tired of the old one anyway...and besides green is slowly becoming one of my favorite colors again, as long as it's not too over the top.

And I finally added some crap on the side about websites that I actually take the time to read when I'm surfing the web.

Geez, the things you can accomplish when you're procrastinating (I've been doing way too much studying for bio and typing--I really need this mini-vacation!)...

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Roller skating...

From Trivia no Izumi:


When the inventor of roller skates tried them out for the first time (at a masquerade party in the early 1700s), he didn't install brakes and ended up crashing into a mirror.

And my own little story:

The one and only time I ever went on roller skates was with the service frat (or sorority, depending on who you talk to) I was in my senior year in college. We went out to the beach one month before I was to graduate--I lasted all of 1 minute, fell down, twisted my knee and couldn't walk until two weeks before the graduation ceremony.

I refuse to go on any sort of roller skates, roller blades, etc. ever since.

Going to LA this weekend!

So I'm driving down to LA tomorrow with the husband after my Bio class (which I'm apparently doing really well in, surprisingly enough).

It should be a lot of fun, since all we're really doing is just hanging out with friends (the main purpose is to go to a friend's barbecue over in Pasadena), like the (in)famous jozjozjoz, my ex, and otherwise just relaxing. We also plan on checking out the Huntington Garden (since my ex says there's a "Chinese Garden" there now, whatever the heck that means), and going to Lucky Boy, this greasy spoon of a burger joint off the 110 in Pasadena (I used to live in South Pasadena about 10 years ago, and that's one of the places that I miss the most, if only because their fried zucchini's amazing!). It's just funny how people in SoCal seemed to know where you live if you tell them what freeways you're close to--I would tell people I lived in South Pasadena, but they'd only get it if I say, "I live where the 10, 110, and the 210/134 meet". We also plan on going to the outlet mall in Camarillo when we drive back on Monday, since we'll be taking the 101 back up (it's a lot less crazy than taking the 5--the only reason why we're going down the 5 is because the friend that we're staying with lives where the 5 and the 405 meet in the San Fernando Valley.

It's kinda nice to go down to LA to visit, even if I know there's no way in hell I'd ever live there again. :)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

and I like Japanese curry!

From Trivia no Izumi:


The original Japanese curry recipe...

had frogs.

Thank God they took it out!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Why I hate rice rockets (#1 of many...)

So there was a rice rocket show (aka Import show) at the Cow Palace (where I can literally spit into) today...and the fucking police blocked all the roads so they could prevent racing...

Which is fine, but when the police was preventing residents from going home, that's where I draw the line. I had to yell at a police officer to let me through because they wouldn't let me drive home.

Fucking bastards...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Mary had a little lamb?

From Trivia no Izumi (8-17-05):


3212333 222399 3212333 22321

plays "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on a cell phone.

Try it!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another bit of trivia...

The group of 50 episodes of Trivia no Izumi I d/l from Bit-Tornado had the first ever episode--with Norito Yashima definitely looking not as geeky but a lot more faggy (bleached hair, and he wore a white tuxedo vest similar to Katsumi Takahashi), and those glasses...*sigh* On a side note, I've noticed I'm definitely a lot more attracted to guys who are comfortable with being gay and for some reason he definitely trips up my gaydar.

Anyway, here's the first ever trivia from the show:


In Europe, there's a Pissing Girl statue (similar to the Pissing Boy statue in Belgium).

The statue is locked up and opened by a caretaker every day. It's basically a bronze statue of a naked little girl in pigtails spreadeagled, pissing. She definitely looks relieved.

There's no way in hell they'd ever show that in the US even though it's perfectly innocent.

One of the reasons why I hate living near the Cow Palace...

All the weird events that happen here since they're apparently too big (or weird) to be in the City proper.

The Jehovah's Witnesses I can stand since they keep to themselves, just as long as I make sure not to drive during that time. (Did I mention that they're there for over two months! All I see are people in suits and ties all over the damn place.)

The Exotic and Erotic Ball is okay, along with the random concert, revival, gun show, tattoo show, rave, rice rocket (aka import car) show, whatever.

The Dickens Fair in December is pretty cool, and a nice way to ease myself back into SF after being in Hawai'i for vacation.

But Thursday is American Idol auditions.

Not sure whether to run in terror or arm myself with my bow and arrow.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Fairy Tale trivia from Trivia no Izumi...

I downloaded 50 episodes of Trivia no Izumi (thanks to Bit-Tornado), and I've been watching them like crazy (and fawning over Norito Yashima *sigh*).

So here's some Fairy Tale Trivia:

#361: In the original version of The Three Little Pigs, the wolf eats the first two pigs after he blows their houses down. When the wolf tries to slide down the chimney after failing to blow down the third pig's house, the wolf lands into a pot of water...

and the pig eats him for dinner!

and here's another one:

When a boy in Peter Pan's group starts to go through puberty, instead of kicking them out--he kills them.

Does Michael Jackson know this?

SoulCalibur 3's coming out in October!

Ok, so I'm probably way late with this, but I just read that Soul Calibur 3's coming out for PS2 in October. It's one of my favorite game series, even when Soul Blade, its first incarnation, came out for the PS back in 97 and you could see Hwang's blocky nipples. :)

One of the coolest parts is being able to devise your own character's appearance, from clothes, to hair and face, voice, etc.

Anyway, if anyone's so kind to get me this, I'd really really really appreciate it. :)

Here's the link.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The husband made me do it!

So here's another "everything you wanted to know about me but didn't care to ask" thing. Taken from the husband's blog.

Let me know if you post this on your blog. :)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:15-ish, after I heard the husband taking a shower. I didn't really wake up until he started cuddling with me.
2. Diamonds or pearls? I'm not really into jewelry, except for the wedding ring my mother-in-law gave us with a whole bunch of neat inlaid diamonds.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Must Love Dogs.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Trivia no Izumi (aka Hey! Spring of Trivia on Spike TV)
5. What did you have for breakfast? A couple of banh mi sandwiches on Taraval and 20th
6. What is your middle name? Abellera, my mom's maiden name. It's a Filipino/Spanish colonization thing.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Right now, Hawaiian and Filipino, since I love their barbecue.
8. What food do you dislike? Balut (cooked duck embryo in its shell), and kilawin (it's my dad's specialty, and it's basically raw spiced up goat offal. The house stunk every time my dad made it, which explained why I never had anyone over).
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Fresh-made potato chips at this buffalo wing restaurant over on Lombard in the Marina.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Everything But The Girl's Like the Deserts Miss the Rain (Remixes and Ballads, British import) and the Ultra Chilled 5 CD.
11. What kind of car do you drive? 2004 Toyota Matrix (how I got it is a story in and of itself).
13.What characteristics do you despise? Pretentiousness, Not claiming responsibility for one's actions.
14. Favorite item of clothing? I'm not too attached to clothing, but I do have this pair of jeans with a rip that's exactly where my new tattoo is. The rip was there way before I got the tattoo so it became an added bonus.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation,where would you go? Probably a big slutting/whoring tour around Asia. :)
16. What color is your bathroom? Off White with wood trim and chrome accents. I tried to accent it with blue.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? I'm not too attached to clothing--as long as it looks good on me, I don't really care about the label.
18. Where would you want to retire to? Hawaii, Australia or New Zealand.
19. Favorite time of day? If I can manage it, sunrise; but usually, sunset.
20. Where were you born? San Jose, CA
21. Favorite sport to watch? Tennis--since most of the sports I love doing are pretty dull if you were to watch them on TV (archery and swimming aren't very exciting)
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? It's on a blog, who knows?
23. Person you expect to send it back first? Refer to #22.
24. What laundry detergent do you use? Method for HE washers. 3 teaspoons cleans a huge load of laundry. I'm hooked.
25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke, but only because I can do a neat trick with it (scroll through the archives to see).
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Morning person, though I can be a night owl too.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7 1/2 really, but because my feet are so damn wide, anything from 8 1/2 to 9 1/2.
28. Do you have pets? No. I'm allergic to most furry animals.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? Jesus, the past year's already bad enough. I want a boring life for now!
30. What did you want to be when you were little? A doctor or a pharmacist (it's ironic that I'm actually taking classes now for this!)
31. Favorite Candy Bar? Not really into candy bars, though I do like Heath Toffee or Skor a lot.
32. What is your best childhood memory? Winning the school spelling bee in the 4th grade. I ended up being so dominant (after winning again in the 5th grade) that they didn't have a spelling bee until I graduated from junior high. :) Also, my first time to dive off a 3m springboard--freaked out, but ended up loving it after a while.
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Locker room attendant (oh my God, what I saw there! :), computer lab attendant, teaching assistant, administrative assistant, lecturer, research assistant, executive director, medical transcriptionist.
34. What color underwear are you wearing? Black Structure boxers
35. Nicknames: Efi, Jun-Jun (by my family)
36. Piercing? Right nipple
37. Eye color? Dark brown
38. Ever been to Africa? No.
39. Ever been toilet papering? No.
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yeah, my mom, and my husband when we got married.
41. Been in a car accident? Yeah
42. Croutons or bacon bits? Either, though I don't really miss either if I don't get them.
43. Favorite day of the week? Friday and Saturday (Friday bc of archery, and Saturday bc it's Saturday. :)
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the food.
45. Favorite flower? Orchids and roses
46. Favorite ice cream? I made an awesome avocado ice cream, but store-bought has to be anything at Mitchell's Ice Cream.
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Warner Brothers. Disney's too sanitized.
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Ono Hawaiian BBQ (for now).
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Brown/beige.
50. Failed your drivers test? Failed the written once, and the driving 3 times! *embarrassed*
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Personal e-mail, the husband.
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Not sure. I'm not that much into shopping. Depends on what I'm in the mood for.
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? Nap, watch TV, play video games, chat online.
54. Bedtime? anytime between 11 and 2 (the joy of working at home!)
55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Eh, if anyone's crazy enough to respond, I'd like to see it!
56. Last person you went to dinner with? the husband and my Manang Ted.
57. Ford or Chevy? Neither--I'm into Japanese cars (and men :)
58. What are you listening to right now? The frickin' tinnitus in my left ear!
60. Lake, Ocean or river? Ocean
61. How many tattoos do you have? Two, one on my right hip, and on my left shoulder.
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? well, considering that the embryo has to form before the shell encases it...i was pre-med before, can't you tell? :)
63. How many people are you sending this Email to? Everyone who's bored enough to read my blog.
64. Time you finished this e-mail? 12:16 am

Yay! Getting rid of stuff is fun and profitable!

Unlike my loving husband (whose blog you can see here), I don't have problems throwing shit out.

So in getting ready to move on with the next phase of my life (that is, either medical or pharmacy school), I've been getting rid of a lot of stuff. The main project the past few weeks has been getting rid of all the stuff on my old iMac so I can donate it to my friend's nonprofit so I can get a cool tax write-off.

I've also put nearly all of my old sociology, ethnic studies and Asian American studies books on I've already sold about 8 books and have made about $160 already. I'm getting rid of all the esoteric, theoretical shit that's only good for mental masturbation and not much else.

If you're really interested, go to and look up the stuff I have for sale (my user name is eabose).

I still think the husband needs to get on that damn show where they make you get rid of 2/3 of your crap--along with my other friend (who shall remain nameless, but has a famous blog.)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Random shit going on...

o Selling off all my sociology and ethnic studies and Asian American studies books (at least all the esoteric and theoretical bullshit) on It actually feels pretty damn good to sell them (I've sold two already, woo hoo!).

o Taking my first class to get ready for med or pharm school next week. Intro Bio. Hopefully I'll actually pay attention this time around and do decently.

o Got a story from the joz-ster about some Korean guy who apparently died after playing video games for 50 hours straight. I'm a bit suspicious about this since I remember reading something very similar to this a few years ago, except the guy was Thai. Anyway, here's the link.

o I'm waiting to hear about some jobs that I applied for--one to teach SAT and GRE for the Princeton Review, another doing medical transcription (I already blogged about this a couple weeks ago), and another interviewing Asian American kids and drug use/abuse. Considering that I'm really hurting for money right now and could use either a rich sugar daddy or a winning Mega Millions ticket, anything will help. :)

Monday, August 01, 2005

Guess I have to train a little harder before I can do Alcatraz...

I've been wanting to do the Alcatraz swim now for a while, especially since I technically fulfill the requirements now (being able to swim a mile in 40 minutes).

But maybe I'll wait a little bit longer, now that a dog was ranked in the top 100 in the race this year. Here's the link.

A Tom Cruise movie I'd actually watch (only because of Trivia no Izumi)


In Tom Cruise's movie, The Last Samurai, an extra gets kicked in the balls by the horse Tom Cruise is riding. At least he was wearing pretty extensive samurai armor!

The extra was pretty cute too (his name is Ken Takagaki)--hope his balls weren't too messed up. :)

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Random shit before going to bed...

--Borrowed and ripped MIA's new CD--fucking amazing. Political, sexy, thinking person's hip hop. Favorite songs: "Bucky Done Gun," "URAQT," and "Galang."

--Burned about 7 CD's full of old MP3's from my old iMac. Songs on heavy rotation: "Get To Know Ya" by Maxwell, "Sleep While I Drive" by k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge, "Pleasure Principle" by Janet.

--Was finally able to listen to "This Woman's Work" (unplugged version) by Maxwell without crying. I used the song a lot to help me get over my mom's passing.

--Doing a 5km tomorrow morning as part of the festivities for the SF Marathon. Thinking of whether I'm crazy/stupid enough to do another marathon in Honolulu, or do a long-distance open water swim or train for a triathlon.

--I should really start planning how to lose weight. If I'm going to do decently in a tri or open-water swim I should lost at least a little bit. I'm getting sick of my eating patterns and I'm probably going to see a nutritionist about it soon.

--Figuring out what classes to take at CCSF next semester to prepare for med/pharm--either human phys or intro to bio, or maybe o-chem if I'm that crazy to do it.

--Downloading a huge Trivia no Izumi batch from BitTornado. 50 episodes--woo hoo! Also showed a bunch of clips of it for a friend's ex-bf. He was laughing through most of it.

--Funniest trivia: #785 from 7/20/05: There's a robot designed to practice kendo (Japanese bamboo sword fighting). It's actually pretty funny because the robot doesn't really fight--it just moves back and forth while the trainee just learns how to make various strikes. According to my friend, it costs $8500 (!) and 25 have been sold (wtf?!). But, there are problems--you can't place it on a hill as it'll roll away, and you can't have cell phones or any major electronic equipment as it'll interfere with the controls of the robot. Pretty stupid stuff, but I guess people are willing to pay for anything.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. :)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Woo hoo! Friendster spam!

Jesus, spam is invading friendster?! Or maybe I'm just so far out of the loop that I didn't get any till now (I don't really check my friendster account all that often, except to chat with friends from UCR).

How stupid can the group who sent this be? It says that I'm married and a picture of my husband is prominent in my profile?!

Here's the spam from the bot.

Hey there, just browsing around trying to meet some people from around here. I just moved to San Francisco a few weeks back and I hardly know anyone. So how's your Wednesday night going? I figured I'd give friendster a shot and see if I have any luck. I'll keep this short until I know you're interested. Just looking for someone to hang out and have a good time with....not looking for anything serious. I RARELY get a chance to check this account on friendster so if you want to chat hit me up at and I'll send you some more pics. Talk to ya soon hopefully.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

More trivia from Trivia no Izumi...


In Colorado, prairie dogs are vacuumed as a form of pest control.

Apparently, it's harmless to the prairie dogs, as the tubes are pretty wide in diameter, and they're placed in a padded room after they're sucked up. After this, they're sent off to the US Wildlife Service.

It's pretty hilarious to see the prairie dogs fly through the vacuum tube and hear them eep as they land in the padded room. I'd post a little clip, but I'm not sure how to do it and I'm afraid of "cease and desist" orders from Fuji TV.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

No more ants (and other scintillating details of my life this weekend)...

So after a week and a half, the ant problem's finally gone. We had ants come in about 2 weeks ago when the husband and I went down to LA/OC, and nothing worked..washing down the walls to clean off the ant scent trail, our trusty orange oil based repellent...nothing.

Finally, after looking up non-stinky and relatively environmentally friendly solutions to getting rid of this problem, I came across Terro, which is essentially sugar syrup with borax in it. The ants licked it up, and while it was pretty gross seeing hordes of ants around the trap, it worked--we had a small pile of dead ants around the trap since many of them OD'ed on the syrup.

Also, I have a job interview tomorrow over at one of the hospitals in SF doing transcription. In Pathology. At 5-8 in the morning. While I'm pretty sure I'll get the job, and the pay's pretty decent, do I really want to type up autopsies that early in the morning?

I told a co-worker about this and he seemed too fascinated.

"Wow, you'll get to learn all the various ways people die! What if they put you in the morgue while you work? That'll be SO cool!"

Uh, yeah.

Wish me luck tomorrow, though I'm pretty sure it'll be ok.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Finally doing it...

After years and years of going in and out of sociology grad school, I finally left the doctoral program at UCSF in medsoc. I highly recommend the program, but for me, I left after realizing that my heart wasn't it. After my mom passed 2 years ago, I went through this period questioning whether I should stay or leave the program, I tried doing dissertation ideas, and just realized that I wasn't all that interested in becoming a Ph.D.

The final nail in the coffin was that when I was the executive director for FTFA, I realized that I had more drive and desire to do that and had absolutely none for doing my doctoral work.

When my professors and I agreed that I should leave the program, I was sad for about a day, and then I was fine the next. Guess it really shows how much I really wanted it.

I just have to file the last bit of paperwork this week, and then I start selling all these soc books that I don't have any use for.

Right now, I'm actually thinking of going into pharmacy school so I'm planning on taking some refresher courses at City College, and I've been talking to people who are students and who graduated. My career path seems to be headed towards medicine anyway and at least with pharmacy it's less of a committment (4 years) than doing the 10 years with doing med. We'll see what happens. :)

More trivia from Trivia no Izumi


The English word, "nice", originally meant stupid and foolish.

In Japanese, the word that was used was "baka," which is considered extremely insulting.

Anyway, after pointing out that trivia to the wonderful husband, he's now saying, "Oh, honey, you're just so NICE!"

*roll eyes*

Now we argue over ... who's nicer.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Another reason why I love living in SF...

Along with balancing coke cans on its rim, the husband and I were shopping at Sports Basement, one of the best kept secrets in SF. It's a discount sports store that has the most amazing deals, since they buy overstock and sell it at cheaper prices. We buy most of our sports stuff there, and nearly all of our clothes now. The next thing I want to buy there is an MP3 player you can use while you're swimming. Apparently, it works through bone conduction. Sounds pretty neat. :)

Anyway, they were throwing a party since they're planning on moving to a new location while they prepare their permanent location in the South of Market/Potrero Hill. The other location is in the Presidio right by Crissy Field. If you're in SF, check it out--or if you come to visit, take me with you (I get a 10% discount since I work at UCSF.) :)

This is another view of the coke can from a different angle. It actually started to move about in a circle after I took the pic. The husband was pretty amazed that the trick worked. I ended up drinking the rest of it. Try it, it actually works!  Posted by Picasa

This is what happens when you watch too much Trivia no Izumi and actually attempt to try a trick out. I was watching a sequence where if you drink 3/4 of a coke can, it's possible to let it rest on its lower rim at an angle. This is what happens when you actually try to do it. :) Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

So much to blog about!

Let's see...

Little bits and pieces (hopefully to explain later) of what's going through my mind right now.

Saw A Dirty Shame, a movie by John Waters about sexual fetishes and found it curious that bears figured prominently in the movie, even though bears probably doesn't qualify as a fetish as much as most of the other things there (like people getting off on having food thrown at them or being into dirt). Realized that if people really knew all the stuff I've done, I'd probably be kinkier than most of them. :)

Trying my hand at writing erotica (which I haven't done and haven't been published in 10+ years) since I was invited to submit something for a friend's anthology on queer men's erotic writings.

I got called by LOGO, the new queer MTV network, since they wanted to do some reality TV show on queer APIs. Considering I've already gone through most of my drama (Jesus, isn't having my marriage broadcast all over Asia, Australia and North America enough?), I'd probably be pretty boring. The husband and I were joking that we could probably do some major dramatic thing just for the show (those of you who know us could probably guess what we'd do), but I have such a horrible poker face that I'd probably start laughing as I would try to be dramatic.

Placed 1st in my division at my most recent archery tournament last Friday (well, really 3rd, but the other two guys have been doing archery for years and we were placed in different categories), even though I was tired as fuck. I got a new bowstring a few weeks ago at the new archery store in Daly City called Pacifica Archery and it's Filipino owned! They're going to start a Filipino archery league this Friday which I'm totally excited about.

Ants have invaded our house. I'm trying Terro, this ant poison which is basically sugar syrup with borax. Odorless and relatively painless (at least for me). Hopefully the damn things will be gone soon!

I have a job interview (well, audition, technically) for the Princeton Review on Saturday, teaching test prep for the SAT and GRE to overachieving anal high school and college students. Hopefully there'll be some cute (and legal!) guys if I get hired. The audition is a 5 minute teaching session--I'll be doing it on basics of wine tasting. Wish me luck!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Googling myself (in private, of course)

So I looked at what happened when I googled myself...

the #1 page is my profile?!

Well, at least it's no longer the minutes from SFDPH...sheesh.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Suicidal sheep?

Here's an interesting, but tragic, story of suicidal sheep in Turkey--1500 jumped off a cliff, killing 450.

Boycott Wild 94.9!

Well, I don't listen to that station anyway, but whoever decided to hire the producer of the Tsunami Song over here in SF needs to get fired right quick.

Here's the link.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

What are your most cherished memories and dreams?

So I've spent the past few days in LA/OC hanging out with friends and checking out the Anime Expo thanks to my friend who scores us some VIP passes for the whole weekend. I took time out on Saturday to be with some old college friends, most of whom I hadn't seen in 10+ years.

What amazed me the most is how we all looked the same, all though we all have grown up substantially, but that we've managed to maintain how we looked when we all graduated when we were 21/22. It also made me think of the memories that I've kept over the years and what I hold dear to my heart more than anything.

I've never really been one to hold on to physical reminders of major events in my life, mainly because I tend to lose things a lot, but also because until I moved in with the husband, I had gotten used to moving once a year and casting off a lot of superfluous stuff. Most of what I kept from college 10+ years ago is just a bunch of papers, printed e-mails (since we only had 1 MB of storage in our e-mail accounts, this was the only way I could keep the correspondence going), and lots of pictures. I've gotten significantly better with keeping things, primarily because of the internet, but also because my husband's taught me the value of keeping souvenirs.

What strikes me the most when I think of what I've kept are e-mails from friends that I made when I was coming out who've all supported me, and also from closeted guys who had sent me messages that they were interested in going out with me, but I was too clueless or unwilling to take them up on their offers. It's also reminded me of the dreams that I had when I graduated and that how these dreams have modified and developed as I've gotten older.

One of the recurrent themes that has gone on with me personally in the past few months is that I'm at a crossroads of sorts in terms of my career and what I want to do with my life, and how the dreams that I had are really not what I wanted. I'm getting used this uncertainty, especially since it seemed that whenever I said, "What else can happen?", more just happened. I am now at a point where I'm tired of having stuff happen to me and ready to move on. I have noticed that my dreams are becoming clearer to me, even if at this point, I still have no idea what the fuck I really want to do with my life.

One of the things that I think about is a movie that I saw a number of years ago--I think the name is Polaris, but I can't verify that for sure. It was a Japanese movie where recently deceased people are given the chance to live in one memory for the rest of their afterlives. The two that I want to remember the most are either the first kiss I had with my husband, or when I married my husband in SF last year. There are a number of memories that I have that I wouldn't want to forget, such as feeling my mom's spirit wash over me when she passed (I know this probably sounds freaky, but that's what I felt), graduating from UCR and UCSB, among others.

So right now, I'm getting comfortable with being confused, and ok that I don't have to have everything in my life planned to the second. I guess at this point I just need to find the direction and my dreams will probably follow from there.