Thursday, February 24, 2005

A very weird day...

The three big highlights--I scored a Robin Hood (ruined two of my good aluminum arrows in the process! Pic to follow).

I scored a 52 (out of 60) from 30 yards (another pic to follow). :)

And I got a mole from my stomach removed (I don't think you want to see a pic of that)

Friday, February 18, 2005

A relatively recent pic from Hawaii...


This is me waiting for my husband to finish the Honolulu Marathon '04, when he beat his PR by 45 minutes. Of course, I'm waiting at Queens' Surf and had a really weird tanline on my back (but that's another story...) Oh yeah, I've run two Honolulu Marathons myself ('02 and '03), and I have no desire to do another one--my new love is swimming! Posted by Hello

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Test pic from picasa...


I scored 52 (out of 60) from 20 yards out! (Though this was earlier this year...). Hopefully I can become more consistent. Posted by Hello

Preaching to the straight folk...

So the husband and I went to this thing today called Third Thursdays, a discussion group for Asian Americans involving various topics. Today's happened to be about relationships. Never mind that we're the only queer ones there (though there were some hot boys there who kept tripping up my gaydar...), and who were the supposed long-term couple!

For the most part, it was pretty cool, though it was weird talking to straight folks about our relationships, and how there seems to be commonality behind relationships, regardless of that person's sex/gender/gender presentation. There was very little Queer 101 questions, though it seems that people were really wanting to ask! I guess that was the weird part, realizing that our relationship is fairly normal, going through the same problems and issues that straight couples do, with a little added queer twist now and then...

Guess that's another networking group to be involved in--at least it's only once and month, and I can put in some queer flava into it!

Random thoughts on a Wednesday night...

  • I can't believe it's already been one year since I married Howard.
  • I've worked about 10 hours today, did weights for an hour and swam 2700 yards in an hour. And I can't sleep. Damn.
  • I'm turning 31 in a couple of weeks. Is anyone going to notice?
  • I wish I could cook more.
  • When the hell will I get over the threshhold and start doing the things I want to do?
  • I have too many clothes but I don't have the time to get rid of them or donate them.
  • Wow, I was really fat before. I guess I didn't even notice.
  • I'll think of my mom during really random periods--like how she knew how to hem my pants just so. Or how easy it was to create all the foods that she cooked.
  • Why can't I just win the lottery?
  • I love the way Howard holds me and kisses me.
  • I wish my family could confront all the shit we're going through instead of being so fucking passive-aggressive and in denial.
  • I wish I were a better archer.
  • Why is it so hard to cry and not feel like a drama queen?
  • Why can't my ex get a life and start dating?
  • I want to sing again.
  • Why do I suddenly feel like a grown-up?
  • It seems so much easier to be friends with people than to be their enemy.
  • There are reasons why things happened the way they did--if my life had been what I thought I wanted it to be 10 years ago, I'd probably be pretty miserable.
  • Thank the goddess I have outlets to get rid of my frustration--shooting arrows at targets 40 yards away and swimming 1 1/2 miles twice a week keeps me sane.
  • My sister-in-law is totally fucked up.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

tomorrow is a sad day for me...

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of my mom's passing. This year is a bit better for me, since while it is hard that she passed, on the other hand, I feel like I need to focus more on the people who are still living and trying to move on.

And I guess that's why it's so hard.

It's weird to see how my own family and other families react when someone dies. And our family's gotten closer--because of the wrong reasons. For one reason or another, while my dad and I are really trying to move on with the future; my sister's stuck in the past, wishing things were the way they were when my mom was still alive. And, while I love my mom, they were pretty miserable. My mom, because she was a survivor of extreme abuse growing up, wanted to exert control on everyone and everything in her life. It was pretty tough living with someone who was so paranoid and wanted everyone to like her that she alienated the very people who loved her most. She never really confronted her abuse and heaped emotional abuse on her loved ones as her way of dealing with it. I had to take therapy for two years in order for me to understand where she was coming from and how to take care of myself. The therapy really did help--I didn't see my mom as this tyrant, but as a woman who just really tried to love and be loved. I think on the one hand, the relationship helped us get closer when it really mattered most; I really appreciated my mom for once--while I don't make excuses for what she did, I have confronted my own feelings for all the abuse I suffered, and I've forgiven her for it. The abuse was fucked, and the way I responded to it for a while was also really fucked.

So it's really hard for my sister, who really suffered a lot worse than I ever did; but she also did some really fucked up things growing up that I had to cover her ass for. Out of all the people I would expect to really confront and deal with my mom, it would've been her. But she also dealt with my mom by really not being herself--by acting to appease what my mom wanted, I think she really lost sense of who she really was. She got so used to the charade that I think she forgot who she really is and how she could honor her memory. I've never really seen her really be herself in years--and for her to wish everything to be as it was seems...stifling.

My dad and I seem to have become our own people, doing and experiencing things because of the freedom that we now have. While I was closer to my mom, I think I do see my dad as he really is for the first time--not only as a father, but as a fallible human being. I guess on the one hand, it's fairly natural to place your parents on a pedestal, but to see them as human beings who make mistakes--that takes guts.

It just really sucks that my sister isn't speaking to neither me or my dad for some unknown reason--as much as I really want to tell my sister that I care for her--if she's put up that wall, only she can tear it down.