Sunday, February 06, 2005

tomorrow is a sad day for me...

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of my mom's passing. This year is a bit better for me, since while it is hard that she passed, on the other hand, I feel like I need to focus more on the people who are still living and trying to move on.

And I guess that's why it's so hard.

It's weird to see how my own family and other families react when someone dies. And our family's gotten closer--because of the wrong reasons. For one reason or another, while my dad and I are really trying to move on with the future; my sister's stuck in the past, wishing things were the way they were when my mom was still alive. And, while I love my mom, they were pretty miserable. My mom, because she was a survivor of extreme abuse growing up, wanted to exert control on everyone and everything in her life. It was pretty tough living with someone who was so paranoid and wanted everyone to like her that she alienated the very people who loved her most. She never really confronted her abuse and heaped emotional abuse on her loved ones as her way of dealing with it. I had to take therapy for two years in order for me to understand where she was coming from and how to take care of myself. The therapy really did help--I didn't see my mom as this tyrant, but as a woman who just really tried to love and be loved. I think on the one hand, the relationship helped us get closer when it really mattered most; I really appreciated my mom for once--while I don't make excuses for what she did, I have confronted my own feelings for all the abuse I suffered, and I've forgiven her for it. The abuse was fucked, and the way I responded to it for a while was also really fucked.

So it's really hard for my sister, who really suffered a lot worse than I ever did; but she also did some really fucked up things growing up that I had to cover her ass for. Out of all the people I would expect to really confront and deal with my mom, it would've been her. But she also dealt with my mom by really not being herself--by acting to appease what my mom wanted, I think she really lost sense of who she really was. She got so used to the charade that I think she forgot who she really is and how she could honor her memory. I've never really seen her really be herself in years--and for her to wish everything to be as it was seems...stifling.

My dad and I seem to have become our own people, doing and experiencing things because of the freedom that we now have. While I was closer to my mom, I think I do see my dad as he really is for the first time--not only as a father, but as a fallible human being. I guess on the one hand, it's fairly natural to place your parents on a pedestal, but to see them as human beings who make mistakes--that takes guts.

It just really sucks that my sister isn't speaking to neither me or my dad for some unknown reason--as much as I really want to tell my sister that I care for her--if she's put up that wall, only she can tear it down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh, babe. I'm a sister who loves her brother dearly but can't bear to talk to him at all because it just reminds me too much of my painful childhood, and makes me feel connected to my parents. If you can find it in your heart, give your sister some space and consider that she might have her reasons, and they might not be about you in the way you think they are about you. good luck. xxxx