Tuesday, July 05, 2005

What are your most cherished memories and dreams?

So I've spent the past few days in LA/OC hanging out with friends and checking out the Anime Expo thanks to my friend who scores us some VIP passes for the whole weekend. I took time out on Saturday to be with some old college friends, most of whom I hadn't seen in 10+ years.

What amazed me the most is how we all looked the same, all though we all have grown up substantially, but that we've managed to maintain how we looked when we all graduated when we were 21/22. It also made me think of the memories that I've kept over the years and what I hold dear to my heart more than anything.

I've never really been one to hold on to physical reminders of major events in my life, mainly because I tend to lose things a lot, but also because until I moved in with the husband, I had gotten used to moving once a year and casting off a lot of superfluous stuff. Most of what I kept from college 10+ years ago is just a bunch of papers, printed e-mails (since we only had 1 MB of storage in our e-mail accounts, this was the only way I could keep the correspondence going), and lots of pictures. I've gotten significantly better with keeping things, primarily because of the internet, but also because my husband's taught me the value of keeping souvenirs.

What strikes me the most when I think of what I've kept are e-mails from friends that I made when I was coming out who've all supported me, and also from closeted guys who had sent me messages that they were interested in going out with me, but I was too clueless or unwilling to take them up on their offers. It's also reminded me of the dreams that I had when I graduated and that how these dreams have modified and developed as I've gotten older.

One of the recurrent themes that has gone on with me personally in the past few months is that I'm at a crossroads of sorts in terms of my career and what I want to do with my life, and how the dreams that I had are really not what I wanted. I'm getting used this uncertainty, especially since it seemed that whenever I said, "What else can happen?", more just happened. I am now at a point where I'm tired of having stuff happen to me and ready to move on. I have noticed that my dreams are becoming clearer to me, even if at this point, I still have no idea what the fuck I really want to do with my life.

One of the things that I think about is a movie that I saw a number of years ago--I think the name is Polaris, but I can't verify that for sure. It was a Japanese movie where recently deceased people are given the chance to live in one memory for the rest of their afterlives. The two that I want to remember the most are either the first kiss I had with my husband, or when I married my husband in SF last year. There are a number of memories that I have that I wouldn't want to forget, such as feeling my mom's spirit wash over me when she passed (I know this probably sounds freaky, but that's what I felt), graduating from UCR and UCSB, among others.

So right now, I'm getting comfortable with being confused, and ok that I don't have to have everything in my life planned to the second. I guess at this point I just need to find the direction and my dreams will probably follow from there.

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