So next Tuesday marks 3 years since my mom's passing, and for the first time I'm looking at it without the dread and painful rushing back of memories that accompanied the first two years. I've begun to make peace with it and I'm happy that I don't feel stuck at a phase of constant mourning and trepidation that affected me the first year and the disappointment of how my family changed after the second year.
I guess the turning point began when I had my tattoo done to commemorate my mom back in April '05 and as time's worn on, I've noticed that the tattoo has nicely integrated into my skin, instead of feeling like it was sticking above and outward from it. I can even see the skin pattern of creases through the tattoo and it really feels like it's a part of me.
I have noticed that I get these weird cravings for certain Filipino foods around this time, foods that I usually don't touch with a ten foot pole if I can help it. I have this weird craving right now for dinardaraan, otherwise known as dinuguan for all you Tagalog-speaking folks, otherwise known as "chocolate meat", which is essentially a stew of pig offal and pork in its own blood, spiced up with chile peppers. The cooked blood turns it dark brown, hence the term, chocolate meat. I usually don't eat it because of all the weird textures in my mouth, but I've come to expect these weird cravings from my mom on a regular basis. Funny thing is that I don't gain any significant weight after I fulfill these cravings. I guess it's a way for my mom to communicate with me and to still feel the pleasures of this world even though she's physically no longer a part of it.
I just hope to God that I don't get a craving for balut, or duck embryos in their shell. (I'd post a picture, but it's just nasty!).