Friday, April 28, 2006

It's funny what can happen in 9 years...

So the husband and I celebrated our 9th anniversary together last Monday. Thinking about this past year and how so many things have happened to him, to me, to us, and how we're still together, it amazes me.

I'd like to say that our relationship has seemed to be one of inertia, where we keep on keepin' on in terms of our relationship, but inertia's one of those things that are more or less the sum of everything that's happened: good things cancel out the bad things that've happened, the cuddling and laughing with the arguments and tears, etc. And somehow, we still end up together, still loving each other, still wondering how the hell we managed to stay together for so long because of and in spite of everything that's happened to him, to me, to us.

I think the past year we've learned more about each other and ourselves than we have in a while, and I've been shaken in terms of my complacency of being with the husband. And we keep discovering that we love each other. And we find out new things about each other. And we still drive each other crazy. And we still laugh over the stupidest things.

The husband's helped me discover more about myself than I've ever wanted to; some intentionally, some unintentionally. I've helped him find out things about himself as well; things that he likes, things that he can't stand. I guess that's the great (and frustrating) things about being in a relationship; they're much more about yourself than the person you're with--and he's helped me to love myself and to appreciate myself and he's stood by me through everything that's happened.

Happy 9th anniversary, Howie. I love you.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Fabulously Gay Survey (lots of sex questions!)

I copied these survey questions from my husband's blog about sex and being gay--and decided to answer them. Mainly because I'm bored, but it's an interesting survey nonetheless. Lots of explicit questions and answers, so if you want to pretend that I'm a prude and virginal, you can ignore this post. :)

1. How Old Were You When You Knew You Weren't Straight?
Hmm...I knew that I was different probably when I was about 6--but I didn't really articulate it as being gay until I started going through puberty and found myself having crushes on boys instead of girls. Of course, being raised in a legalistically devout Catholic and homophobic Filipino family where no one else was queer, I tried to suppress it as much as I could--until I got into college.

2. Have You Ever Had Sex With The Opposite Sex?
Nope. I'm probably one of the few fags out there who's never even had a girlfriend where I did anything sexual, much less kissing. I did have a white girl kiss me a couple of times, but I wasn't really into it--until I kissed my first guy. :)

3. Who Is The First Person You Came Out To?
First person I really came out to was my former best friend--who ended up being a prick and telling everyone else about it. I haven't spoken to him ever since I graduated from college.

The first person I came out to who was also gay was this Chinese guy who was trying to be a fundamentalist Christian--and in my naivete, I believed that I could be straight as well if I followed fundamentalist Christianity as well. After I was forced out of the closet in college, he didn't speak to me until years later when he apologized for his behavior, and admired me for being upfront about my sexuality when he couldn't. We still chat occasionally from time to time if we see each other online.

4. Are You Out To Your Parents?
Well, I've never officially told them that I'm gay--but my mom knew that Howard is a major part of my life--and she got along really well with him. I knew that she really liked him when she started giving him food and telling him to eat whenever we came to visit. My dad--well, I know he knows, but he doesn't talk about it.

5. Do You Want Children?
I go back and forth on this one. On the one hand, it'd be nice to have children, but then on the other hand, I see what parents have to go through raising their kids (Howard's sister is raising two kids on her own), and I'm not sure if I'd have what it takes to do it. Then again, Howard is a big kid himself, so sometimes that takes care of any maternal instincts I may have...LOL.

6. Do You Have More Gay Friends or Straight Friends?
I have mostly gay friends, but I do have some good straight friends as well. My gay friends seem to be more understanding of who I am and don't ask the sometimes irritating questions that straight people do. I do try to have friends from different perspectives, just to keep myself in check, whether that be in terms of sexual orientation, poiltical outlook, racially, etc.

7. Were You Out in School?
In high school--well, I had a boyfriend, but I wasn't technically out. I came out in college to friends until I got forced out in this one paper that published my name when I said not to--and then I ended up being editor-in-chief of that same paper that next year. The story in and of itself was pretty harrowing--from realizing that I was doing a horrible job of being a good Christian boy and being asexual to coming out of the closet and making up for lost time, and realizing who my true friends are. But that's probably another blog entry.

8. Is Your Best Friend The Same Sex As You
Hmmm--best friend, I have a number of different best friends, and some are male and some are female, so I guess that answers that question.

9. If Your Best Friend Is The Same Sex, have you ever had sex with them?
Well, my ex is one of my best friends, so yeah. :)

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
No--the only drugs that I've really done is pot a few times, and E once. I'm too much of a control freak personally to really enjoy being high so I stopped doing it.

11. Have You Ever Been In A Sling?
LOL--well, I've done someone in a sling--does that count?

12. Have You Ever Done A 3-way?
A few times, all with the husband. It was fun. :)

13. Have You Ever Dressed In Drag?
Yeah--Howard persuaded me to get in drag for Halloween a couple years ago--he loved the getup and makeup. I thought I looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show--but he liked it nonetheless.

13a. Would you date a Drag queen?
Yeah, I probably would. The husband did drag years ago and I've never had problems with drag queens.

14. Are You A Top/Bottom or truly Versatile?
I'm truly versatile--I love doing everything (and being done). :)

15. Have You Seen An Uncircumsized Penis?
Yeah--I've had sex mostly with Asians, and they're mostly uncut. I'm also uncut too--one of the few Filipinos I know who are.

16. Have You Had Sex With Someone of A Different Race?
Yeah--I had lots of issues before with having sex with guys of different races--but no longer. :)

17. Have You Ever Barebacked?
Yeah--when I was younger and was able to be with guys who were just about as virginal as I was--now I demand condoms.

18. How Many Cher CDs do you own?
None--I've never been too big of a fan of Cher. Guess I'm a bad homosexual, huh??

19. Name Of Your First True Love?
My first true love where it was returned? The husband. :) The other guys I've dated were either guys I weren't into--or they weren't into me.

20. Do You Still Talk To them?
Of course--we've been together for almost 9 years. :)

21. Does Size Matter?
God no. As a friend said--more than a mouthful's a waste. ;)

22. Biggest Turn On?
Confidence--a guy who's confident in himself (and that's different from being an asshole/cocky) is a guy I usually go home with, whether he's a muscle boy or a chub--a guy who knows he's sexy and wants you...that's the biggest turnon.

23. Biggest Turn Off?
Desperation and guys who are into self-pity.

24. Ever Been Harrassed Because You Are Gay?
A couple times--but nothing really too bad. I usually come out to people and for some reason they're shocked--and don't say anything homophobic to me after.

25. Worst Gay Sterotype That Applies To You?
LOL--I don't know. I can be pretty flaming but I can also be pretty butch--both are frankly more affected than how I really act, which is a combination of both.

26. Ever Been To A Pride Rally?
Yup--I didn't feel comfortable about participating until I started living with the husband and now it's more of a "been there, done that" thing for me. I'll go now, but only to see friends more than anything.

27. Would You Marry If You Could?
Only for the government benefits. Marriage is a good thing, but considering all the weird things that happen to be people emotionally as a result, I think people take it way too lightly, especially the straight folks.

28. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
Rich and smart. That's why I want to be a pharmacist. :) I actually think I look better now in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s. :)

29. Do You Sculpt Your Eyebrows?
Nope, never have.

30. Do You Trim Your Body?
Nope, I have almost no body hair to speak of. :)

31. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Oh god, yes. My poor roommate when I was in LA had to contend with all the guys who would come over to fuck. It was fun. :)

32. Ever been to an orgy?
Only a couple of times. Haven't done it in a while because it takes too much coordination--it's almost like a party since you have to figure out who to invite and how to get the chemistry right so things will get started. ;)

33. Have you dated your best friends ex?
No. All the people my best friends have dated aren't in the area, and when I was down in LA, all my best friends were female and I'm not into straight guys.

34. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president?
Depends on her politics. I can't really say for sure since I don't know enough.

35. Do you want monogamy in your relationships?
Not sure. If it's forced, it's bound to cause a strain--but if it ends up being monogamous, I have no problems with that. It's almost like reverse psychology, if you're told not to do it, you want to do it even more.

36. Do you believe in true love?
Yeah. I've been with him for almost 9 years. :)

37. Do you have any tattoos?
Two, small one on my left shoulder and a fish on my right hip commemorating my mom.

38. Do you have any piercings?
Just my right nipple. Most of my body modifications are things that people can't see unless I'm either swimming--or having sex with them.

39. Would you date a smoker?
Nope--kissing a smoker tastes nasty. Every so often I smoke a cigarette and I'm immediately reminded of why I hate smoking and why I wouldn't do it, much less date someone who is.

40. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.?
Yeah, quite a few actually--it's part of why I want to be a pharmacist and why I've done HIV work for years.

41. Do you know what Stonewall was?
Yup--had to teach about Stonewall when I lectured about queer history.

42. Wonder Woman, Xena or The Halliwell Sisters?
Probably Wonder Woman, though Xena is dykey enough that I'd probably prefer her instead. I used to twirl about like Wonder Woman when I was a kid--I should've realized I was gay back then!

44. Strangest place you have had sex?
Hmmm--with the ex--on a back alley somewhere near my ex's house when we were still dating, though the most public would probably be in the back of my truck in a park in WeHo when I was with the ex. Also, while driving along both the 5 and the 101..hehe!

45. Strangest place you've woken up?
Well, I've always gone home with guys sober, so I've never had anything weird happen (thank the Goddess) where I didn't know where I was when I woke up.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
Definitely in front of me--I'm only 32, I've got a LONG way to go!

47. Favorite porn movie?
Not sure--there are scenes which I love from different movies--but I don't have the patience to watch a porn movie all the way through.

48. Are you in love now?
Yup, still in love with my husband. :)

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl?
Nah. Straight guys are good for sex, but not for falling in love. Not into straight women--never have, never will. :)

50. Did you ever have sex with them?
Oh yeah--I've had sex with straight men but can't deal with the emotional trauma afterwards. My ex claims to be bi, and is now claiming to be straight, but still hasn't really dated anyone besides me since 1996!

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Yeah, in San Gregorio. It was fun. :)

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
Yeah--both for sex and to do research as part of a study when I was a grad student at UCSF--I got sick of going to bath houses after working there.

53. Ever had sex in public?
LOL--yeah. West Hollywood, the 5, the 101, San Gregorio...;)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Latest foodie discovery...

Went to Maggie Mudd in Bernal Heights (aka Dyke Heights) in SF and had a "Maggie Muddy Fudgy", a brownie sundae with Mariachi Mambo, a soy ice cream flavored with chocolate, cinnamon and almond candies, and Habanero Chocolate, another soy ice cream flavored with chocolate and habanero chiles. This was after having dinner at Udupi Palace (south Indian vegetarian restaurant) in Berkeley and had a thali, a platter of small vegetarian dishes--I usually get their dosas but wanted something different, though I'm dying to try their 6 foot dosa over at their branch in Hayward.

Lucky (or not so lucky) for me, the habanero chocolate ice cream was way at the bottom and didn't realize it until halfway through when I was wondering why my tongue started tingling after I broke through the brownie. The ice cream was really good, but so frickin' spicy that I had to stop eating it after I took a few bites. Guess I'll have to try it again later...

Also went to Bakesale Betty at Oakland on Saturday and had an amazing fried chicken sandwich and a brownie while the husband bought a loaf of banana nut bread and a pan of brownies. Bakesale Betty was originally a pastry chef at Chez Panisse, and the quality shows. I'll definitely go back. :)

Saturday, April 15, 2006

More random shit...

o Taxes suck. I owe too much.

o Went to Bootie, a nightclub featuring mash-ups or songs that feature vocals from one song over instrumentals over another, for a friend's birthday party last night. If the mash-up's done right, it's fucking amazing. Got a CD from them since the husband and I were one of the first to get in. My favorite is Bum Breath (Destiny's Child vs. Arctic Monkeys).

o Had this weird mixed drink at Bootie: Pop Rocks, Jack and Coke--started a shot of Jack Daniels, followed by strawberry Pop Rocks, followed by Coca-Cola. I should've just stopped at the Jack. My second drink was a much more familiar Stoli Vanil and Coca-Cola.

o Working more, another midterm in Bio (the last one) and trying to figure out what to do with the husband for our 9th anniversary. We joked that we'll probably go somewhere hella cheap and hella ghetto, considering we've been doing really expensive restaurants the past few years to celebrate.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

What's that bright thing in the sky?

I saw something bright and round in the sky for about 30 minutes today while waking up, but then it went away.

What was it? I can't remember the last time I saw anything like that in a while!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Saw a movie tonight...

And it affected me in ways that I wasn't expecting.

I don't think I can say what movie it was, as it hasn't been released officially yet. But it brought up issues that I can safely say I haven't reallly resolved.

The issue? Being sexually molested, fairly regularly by two people, a man and a woman, between the ages of about 7 to about 12, both of whom were relatives. Once I started puberty (and finally had the strength to talk to my parents about what happened), the abuse stopped. My parents protected me and ensured that I would never be alone with them again, but at the same time, every time I saw them, I would immediately leave the room for years. The rest of my extended relatives condoned this abuse, and thought it was natural, but my family knew better. Not to say that my parents didn't have issues with abuse themselves, but the fact that they did protect me helped me deal with it while it was happening.

In the movie, the main character exacts revenge on a pedophile (even though she herself wasn't a victim of this said person) in ways that were exceedingly cruel, but yet in ways that made me realize how much rage I had as being a victim and how much I hate the people who did this to me, hating them so much that (if I were completely amoral and could get away with it) I wouldn't have any remorse of doing to my abusers what this girl did to this pedophile. I'm usually a very empathetic person (often to a fault), and I tried to hate this character for doing what she did, but remembering how alone I felt when I was abused, how I thought that no one in my family would've believed while it was going on, I found myself realizing how completely I hated these people growing up, and how much I still hate them now, I found myself identifying very strongly with this character. Somehow, this actress was able to tap into the fucked-up-ness of it all, the thoughts, the crazy thoughts that go through one's head after they've been sexually abused, and the kind of revenge a sexually abused person would exact if given the opportunity. I myself would never dare to do something like this, but to see it manifested in this movie gave me a catharsis that I really wasn't expecting.

When I saw these perpetrators both at my mom's funeral, both of them hobbling around, barely able to get by, I had to restrain myself from cursing them out and wishing them to hell. I think they saw the hate in my eyes and from that day, can't bring themselves to look at me square in the eyes. They've never apologized for what they've done and I'm not sure if I'd ever forgive them if they even tried.

I didn't realize how much that part of my childhood had a grip on me really until now--but seeing how the rage and anger that I felt as a victim manifested itself in different ways, how that shaped my relationship with how I saw my body, how I felt unlovable and undesirable because of my beliefs that I allowed this to happen, how it colored my relationships with friends, other relatives and lovers. It's become something that I have to confront in one way or another. It's something that I had thought I revealed to my husband, but didn't.

I think this is probably the first time I've really discussed this in public and it feels like I've opened up a long festering sore that needed to be aired out in order to heal (apologies to MLK). It doesn't hurt too much now since my feelings associated with it have been too numb, but I think as I find a way to make peace with this, it'll be better for me and everyone around me.

Wish me luck.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Ever had a feeling...

where you wanted to be a drama queen, but knew it wouldn't help you feel any better?

I've had that a lot recently.

Thank the goddess for working out and dance.

How is she going to pull off the mustache?

Was just browsing thru a SJ Mercury News article about Lucy Liu, who said that she's going to be updating...

Charlie Chan?

From the article:

And she'll soon be executive-producing an update of the Chinese sleuth Charlie Chan. Only this time, the great detective will be a woman, likely played by Liu - a sexy, tough woman who's enjoying the ride.


Saturday, April 08, 2006

Is this a sign that I have hot friends?

So I was checking out some porn a few days ago when I ran across a movie from Kristen Bjorn called Bone Island (yeah, yeah, the pun is really obvious here). Over the past few years, he's been incorporating some Asian actors in his movies, which has been pretty cool, considering that there seems to be more Asian men who are willing to be in gay porn, and also since Kristen Bjorn seems to be one of the better porn directors out there, it's nice to see he's finally catching up on the times.

Anyway, as I was watching a scene where there are two Asian bottoms, one of them ended up being a guy I knew years ago while chatting on IRC and who I had lost touch with about 4-5 years ago. It was a pretty nice surprise, since I've always found him pretty hot, and considering he was also a self-admitted big bottom, he played his part relatively well.

Actually, this wasn't the first time that I've seen one of my Asian friends unexpectedly in porn. Once in a while through the porn spam that I get (and when I read it when I get really bored), I frequently run into pictures of friends who've done photo shoots, and they just laugh and shrug it off. Since a lot of them were guys that I played with in the past, it's a big ego boost to me as well. :)

I guess that's been one of the things that's been playing around in my mind, how gay Asian men in mainstream American/European porn is beginning to progress. There are still the really irritating racist portrayals that abound and were first critiqued by Richard Fung, who was himself critiqued by Nguyen Hoang Tan (a guy who directed a couple of non-porn films that my husband's been in), but I've begun to see a change in that, where the ethnicity isn't being portrayed as exotic as it used to be, especially with people like Chi Chi La Rue's films of Brandon Lee, Van Darkholme, and Kristen Bjorn. While to most people, it's not that big of a deal, it's actually pretty astonishing from an Asian American studies/sociological perspective to see these men merely as horny men with big dicks, and not as horny Asian men with big dicks (sans cultural signifiers like oriental chic, fucked-up racist porn star names, etc.), and that these men are as satisfyingly cardboard as the rest of the actors.

In that sense, it seems that gay porn is lightyears ahead of straight porn, where it's still exceedingly rare to see any Asian men at all. I've been so conditioned to be irritated by portrayals of Asian men in porn that it's still a welcome shock to see these men portrayed like everyone else--and in fact, it seems that it's probably one of the few areas where one can actually begin to see Asian men more prominently and non-stereotypically.

Plus it's nice to get off on watching Asian men in gay mainstream porn without having to suspend my brain.

(Wow, a somewhat sociological entry...about porn...AND at 1 in the morning!)

Monday, April 03, 2006


Check it out for yourself...

Saturday, April 01, 2006

So I did it again...

I shaved my head.

Nothing earth-shattering, but I forgot how much better I feel after getting my haircut. Considering that I haven't been really happy about how my hair's going, and I could save the money by doing it myself, I shaved it all off.

I also like the way my head feels when I'm swimming when it's shaved, and guys seem to like to rub my head when it's newly shaven...

But that's another story. :)