Saturday, May 13, 2006

A (mostly) good day along with a nagging dilemma...

So the whole day was spent with the husband, doing nice couple-y things together, watching a movie (which I can't really talk about yet), going to the SF Ferry Building Farmers' Market, stopping by my mom's grave (drama...), and dealing with random phone calls from the ex (we stopped dating 10+ years ago, but I'll get to that later).

I went to go visit my mom's grave earlier this afternoon--and ran into my sister, who hasn't spoken to me in years, and who still won't tell me why she's not speaking to me. I have been really mad at her, for obvious reasons, but I felt that there must be some cosmic reason why we ended up both being there at the same time. So I tried to talk to her, but was met with being ignored, while her husband said hi to me and the husband. The interesting thing is that the anger that I had towards her went away, and now I just feel sorry for her. I'm not sure why it went away, but there was something about her that...well, suffice it to say that I didn't recognize her at all, that she has become more of an automaton to her grief than functioning as a human being. Even after 3 years since my mom's passing, what struck me was that she was still wearing black, and acting in an obsessive-compulsive way in regards to the way that my mom's grave was being taken care of, which hadn't changed since my mom first passed. I saw her husband, dutifully doing these things with my sister, but with both of us unable to say the things that we wanted to her, ended up having to commiserate in silence. I had spoken with one of her bridesmaids earlier through e-mail, and she hadn't heard from my sister either, nor any of her other friends. I'm going to try to re-establish contact with her, slowly, and if she's not willing to talk, then there's not much I can really do at this point.

It also got me thinking about how my dad and I have come to grips with my mom's passing, and how my dad and I are going on with our lives, while my sister seems stuck. I'm not sure if I can really say how far my dad's gotten in handling her passing, being that the only way I really hear what's going on is through whispered conversations at my relatives' gatherings about both my dad and my sister after they leave those parties. I've stopped going to those gatherings because it feels like I'm caught in the middle of some weird contest--over who misses my mom more, my dad or my sister, and that my relatives seem to revel in all the gossip that they tell me. It makes me realize how lucky I was that I was able to reconcile a lot of my issues with my mom while she was still alive and that when she was in the hospital before that fateful surgery and her eventual passing that we had these deep conversations through body language and silence with very few words being said. I don't think my dad or my sister ever had that opportunity--they were both used to coddling her, while I was able to look at things at a distance, and was able to see my mom for who she really was--an imperfect human being who did the best she could, who also fucked up, but who also lived her life the way that she wanted to.

So while I've been chewing that over in my brain, I've also had to deal with drama from my ex. We dated about 10 years ago and broke it off after 8 months, and I still wanted to maintain my friendship with him because I thought he was a good guy, but I've started to wonder about him. He hasn't dated anyone since me, and while for the most part, I've been able to handle his drama because I've kept him at arm's length emotionally (and a distance of 500+ miles helps too!), I've started seeing how his inability to deal with who he is (sexually, personally, whatever) has also...kept him stuck. He claims to be straight, but is really misogynistic towards women; he has huge issues about homophobia, and doesn't want to date another man because his family wouldn't be able to handle it (supposedly); and he's built himself up to believe that everything's going to fall apart if he's not there to fix everything.

Which in a way, is where I was when I was dating him. I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship--I felt that I was absolutely integral to everything around me, and that no one could survive without me when I was involved in their lives.

Again, thank the goddess for therapy and good friends. I've begun to realize that maybe I've outgrown my friendship for him. I'm at a point where I'm starting to move on with my life, and I'm seeing how all of my other good friends are doing the same thing, taking chances on things that they never believed they could do, and they're really happy. The people who are in a rut are doing something about it (or Fate is pushing the issue). I feel sad because I'm basically having to tell him to fend for himself, but I'm tired of being weighed down. Talking to him used to be fun. Now it's a chore.

Oh well--drama, drama, drama. If it's not happening to me, it's happening to everyone else around me. At least I can just sit back and watch this time.

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