Wednesday, August 23, 2006

why I'm blessed...

I've been in one of those weird funks lately where I feel alone, even though I know that I have lots of friends and family and especially the husband out there who love and appreciate me for who I am--but it's always so much easier to remember what's wrong with me (or with everyone else, for that matter) than what's right. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be alone and to have fun by yourself, and I had to use that strategy a lot growing up in order to survive all the bullshit I had to deal with growing up. But it gets really frustrating to see that defense popping up for no reason at all.

So I'm writing a list of things that make me content, happy and otherwise good about myself to try to force myself out of it and to do something about this funk, because, frankly, I'm sick of it.

So this isn't a meme--and I'm not gonna call out anyone to do their own lists--but I need this reminder just to remember how lucky I am to be where I am. And if it inspires you to think of your own list, then cool. But I guess we all need a bit of self-indulgence from time to time.

So without further ado:

Things that make me happy (or feel blessed, or whatever--and things I like about myself)
o The husband--first and foremost. We've definitely gone through a lot, we've evolved, and I'm more in love with him than ever. He's also helped me appreciate who I am and made me see the real me--not just the me that I wanted to see. After almost 10 years, I'm still convinced he's the one for me.

o My journals. I've kept journals on and off for the past 10-15 years, sometimes on my computer, sometimes in print, but it helps to serve as a reminder of where I've come from, what I was thinking, and hwo much I've been through. Even looking through the blog (which I guess in a sense is my journal for the time being), I can see the subtle changes in my personality because of things that I've gone through.

o Friends. Such a weird amorphous term, since I have a lot of acquaintances, and quite a few acquaintances who are closer than just acquaintances, but there are an extremely small number of people in my life that I can truly call a friend. The husband and I have been chatting and we realized that we fell so hard into our relationship as lovers that we never took the time to be friends, and that we're trying to learn how to do that now. It's actually a fun and interesting learning experience, and I see him as even more well-rounded as before.

o Stimulating experiences. And not just the sexual type. I find that all the people that I'm really into, all the things that I enjoy, move me in some deep soul stirring way that forces me out of my comfort zone--or provides new areas in which to explore that comfort zone. Guess that's why I'm a foodie, a kinkyGAM, and I guess a hedonist--to make up for all the years of self-imposed repressive and suppressive Catholic guilt and living in denial of everything.

o Working out.
o Great food.
o Long drives (either by myself, the husband or with a close friend --or 5)
o Being pushed to my limits and forcing myself to break through them. Maybe that's why I'm so into swimming right now. I feel like I'm learning new things every time I swim. I didn't think that I could do 2500 yards in an hour. Now I want to see if I could really do 3000 or more. And it feels like I'm just breaking the surface of what I'm capable of doing.
o Talking with people.
o Being totally busy.
o Being completely still and quiet.
o I laugh loud. And often.
o The people who really know me REALLY know me. (Y'all know who you are!)
o I may be standoffish at first, but once you get to know me, I'm the most affectionate person you can be with.
o I'm really dealing with my issues. And it's hard--but I'm starting to make some progress.
o I know I can count on my friends to be there for me.
o I know I can count on myself to be there.
o I love hard and fast. And it takes a lot for someone to lose that love.

I'll think of more as I go along--but this is definitely more than I thought I'd write. :)