Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Wow, Post #250.

I guess that doesn't really mean anything since there's a lot of posts that I've never published (either because they contained things that I wasn't comfortable in sharing, or they just plain didn't make sense at all). But I guess it shows how much my blog's evolved as I've gotten used to writing on a format like this--which is really about me, though it's nice to see that some people actually read it. I've gotten used to writing for particular audiences, whether it be scientifically or as an opinion piece, or whatever. But writing this blog was really more about me, and what I was going through. Not like an inane diary detailing the minutiae of my days gone by, but it seemed like I was marking things out, things that made sense in my life.

A lot's been going on in my life as of late, and I'm not sure how I'm going to write about it--I think that's part of the reason I've been holding back writing in this blog for a while. There's a difference between making an announcement and looking like I'm just a fool for attention.

Suffice it to say that the cosmos (or the universe or God or whoever's directing this crazy show) is telling me to combine all the aspects of my life and to make it a whole entity, and not just neat and compartmentalized. I think too much of my life has been spent trying to make distinctions (pre-gay vs. gay vs. post-gay, for example, or pre-my mom's passing vs. post), and I've been obviously very disjointed because of it.

I'm having to make a bunch of different decisions over the next few months, and the simple truth of looking at my life as a whole is something that keeps slapping me in the face every time I try to avoid it, and that ultimately, living my life is really only for one person--me. Others will participate, and others will float in and out of my life, and others will always be integral to my life (like the husband/bf/lover/whatever), but I'm realizing that if I'm not living my life and doing things for me, it's not worth it.

Maybe that's why I left the PhD program, swore off being a nonprofit whore, and stopped being a supposedly selfless activist--while it works for the most part for me...it felt like I was holding myself back because of untruths that I told myself. The funny part is my life feels so much more meaningful now that I'm being completely "selfish." Working the 40+ hours a week plus taking all these classes plus worrying about my bills and tiring myself out at the gym and loving my partner and the friends and family who are in my life---everything makes more sense now than it has when I was fulfilling some part of me that I thought needed it--and really didn't. The irony isn't lost on my dad who highlights the fact that if I just did what he wanted me to do 15 years ago, I wouldn't be where I am. On a side note, maybe I'll finally have the balls to finally come out to him--kinda ironic, considering that I'm probably one of the most out Filipinos out there, but I've never really told my family.

But I feel like I've learned so much about people, about myself, about everything--that wouldn't have been fulfilled if I were just the typical overachieving middle class boring Filipino American who was also incredibly closeted, fearful of criticism, and afraid of living of life for fear of offending people. I've started to slough that off. And I'm beginning to like what I see.

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