Friday, August 17, 2007

Thoughts in my head...

o Last weekend of organic chemistry is this weekend. It's made me realize a number of different things, the scariest of which is that I actually like studying this, and that's not even pointing to the fact that my professor is hot.

o I'm feeling really confident that pharmacy is where I'm headed. Partly because of this class, but it's weird how naturally this is all coming to me. It really makes me wonder what was so hard for me to deal with 15 years ago that I couldn't get my shit together to do this before. Of course, this is looking back with 20/20 hindvision. I remember how alone I felt when I was 18, coming out in the early 90s, and scared shitless that I thought people would dis me after I came out to them, and the amount of emotional stress that I had to deal with. It makes me realize that I actually did have the personal strength just to get the double and finish both chemistry and ethnic studies, when other people probably would've dropped out. I knew for me that wasn't an option. Maybe I just knew back then that there was reason why I had to do this damn chem degree.

o Howard's leaving for Seattle in 3 weeks, and although I'll see him at least once or twice by the end of the year, I'm hoping to visit Seattle in October. Part of me is bracing for that inevitable emotional roller coaster that I'll be going through when he does leave, and I'm actually relieved that I won't be doing any classes until the end of September so I can try to recover somewhat from it.

o If anything, his moving is forcing me to do things on my own--stuff that I'm used to doing, but realizing that the only person I'll have to really think about is myself. It's a really weird feeling since I've had to think about Howard and/or other people for the past 10 years. I've started to re-establish contacts with friends, make contacts with new people, and getting people to know me as "Efren" instead of as "Howard and Efren". It's disconcerting, and strangely liberating at the same time. The weird thing is thinking about hooking up with other guys and saying I'm "single", especially since so many guys wouldn't hook up with me because I was taken. I wonder how that'll change...

o It's weird how telling people about my changing relationship with Howard is akin to coming out--again. It's also made me realize the resentment I've had towards people who've looked to us as role models b/c they're too damn lazy to find partners on their own and who want to live vicariously through us. It's weird because even though Howard and I have always expressed our individuality even as we have been a couple, it seems like very few people actually believed it. I've always looked to Howard as his own separate person, and that's what I find attractive, and annoying at the same time. I can be with him, and yet we're not so codependent on each other that we can't distinguish ourselves from each other. Which would probably be hard to do anyway, given how different we are. :)

o I wonder whether staying in SF is worth it--or if moving to Hawai'i is worth it. Obviously, both have their positives and negatives, and if UCSF rejects me, then it's a moot point. It's just weird for me to realize that I've lived here in the Bay Area for about 10 years, and part of me is getting the itch to travel, even though my heart will always be here. Will I have the balls to make the decision that I need to? Who knows?

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