Monday, April 28, 2008

Thinking about the future...

So as most people who read my blog regularly know, I've been waitlisted for my two top pharmacy schools, and I'm trying to be patient. And while I know this and have to let things move on their own accord because I can't do anything to push the process along, it's been extremely draining emotionally for me. I would've thought that I would've been able to put plans in motion for school by now, but being waitlisted for these schools means that I can't plan. Given that I like to plan for everything, especially for such a crazy life-altering experience as going back to school, it's been pretty tough not knowing what my immediate future's going to be like, let alone the next few years after that.

If there's anything good that's going to come out of this, it's realizing that I have to appreciate what I do know and have--the present, and I think that's the one thing that I've never been good at: to be able to appreciate all the gifts I have for what they are, since worrying about my future right now is pointless. It just seems so convenient that I'm learning all these life lessons as I'm turning a new chapter in my life and that until I do, I feel like I'm stuck. Whether it's knowing I have the love and support of my family, friends and husband and feeling secure in my decisions, whatever they may be; to appreciating that I can still do many of the things in my 30s that I was in my 20s (and meeting many people who can't); and that no matter what else happens, I will be making decisions that I'll have to be able to live with. It also helps that I'm appreciating aspects of my life that I've neglected (like realizing that singing and dancing represent two hobbies in my life that give me absolute joy, and that until very recently I wasn't able to do either regularly).

I guess that's the big dilemma in my life now--am I willing to move to another part of the country (heck, another part of the world) to fulfill my dream and leave everything I know behind, or am I willing to gamble and wait for my dream school to accept me and stay here with everyone and everything that's near and dear to my heart? Either way it's incredibly frightening, but also very exciting. Frankly, that's not a question I'm ready to answer, because that question hasn't been really posed to me yet. I'm not sure how I will answer that question when it poses itself.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Brief updates...

(Realizing that I should probably start twittering if I keep doing this, but oh well...)

o Just came back from a great weekend with the husband up in Seattle, even if it was way too short and way frickin' cold (snow in Seattle in the middle of April?! WTF?!). Made me realize how much I missed him *sigh*, and that it's going to be to his birthday tomorrow and our 11th anniversary after that. Gorged (as usual) at Top Pot Doughnuts, Café Flora, Tamarind Tree and Café Nola (as featured on Food Network!). Found an interesting fried chicken place (that we didn't try since we were going for vegetarian food that night), a really nasty crepe place (only because Ernie talked about it on 8asians), and a really cool Asian grocery store in the International District.

o Found myself wondering if I could live in Seattle, and finding myself really surprised that the answer was "yes."

o My doctor's closing down his private practice and now I have to find another primary care physician (AGAIN). If anyone knows of any good queer male physicians of color who practice in SF who take Anthem Blue Cross or HealthNet, it'd be much appreciated...

o STILL no updates from Hawai'i. At least I know I won't hear from UCSF till mid-May, but still...

o You can now catch me doing karaoke, getting drunk, and eating my ass off--on public TV no less. Click here for the video. I'm featured in the part about Playground, which begins at around the 19 minute mark. Thanks to my friend for making me realize that I look like a dirty old man enticing these young girls to drink with me. My dad would be SO proud (and even more confused about me...).

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thoughts and updates...

o Thanks to Joz and Yoshi for the awesome party down in LA and for letting me drink more in the past 3 days than I have in the past 3 years (probably). Surprised that I wasn't as drunk as I thought I'd be.

o No new news about UCSF and Hawai'i.

o I have to pay way too much in taxes, and now I'm seriously considering quitting one of my jobs because the hassle of being an independent contractor isn't worth the money.

o Looking forward to going to Seattle to see the husband, and celebrate 11 years together.

o I'm realizing that this whole year (at least until the end of summer) is really about patience and just letting things happen on their own time, and of their own accord, since nothing I can do can really change things (mostly about pharmacy school, but also about other things which aren't worth blogging about, or stuff that I'm not going to blog about).

o Realizing that I know a lot of people from Facebook, but also realizing that quality is always worth more than quantity.

o Remembering that blogging (for me) is just really all about me, and not putting anything else on that agenda except what I want people to know about me. It's kinda nice having something that's really self-serving. :)

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

iPod thoughts...

So I'm going through my iPod Shuffle and realizing that I have lots of random shit in it: old-school hip hop and freestyle from the late 80s and early 90s; lots of pop music; some classical; ballads; jazz (Ella Fitzgerald, Cassandra Wilson, etc.).

I suddenly notice that one song that I can't place and it hits me...it's a remixed version of the theme from the Super Nintendo RPG, Chrono Trigger, one of the best old-school RPGs ever (click here for the cover). For some reason, hearing the song just makes me really, really happy. And I try to figure out why...when the game first came out, I was starting grad school in Santa Barbara, which is not exactly a happy memory for me. But I remember feeling at 21 the thrill of doing what I thought I wanted to do. And now, at 34, I'm feeling that thrill again, since I'm (hopefully) going to start pharmacy school. Unlike the doubts I had about grad school, I'm very excited to start pharmacy.

The thought of getting to do a do-over at 34 just makes me feel real giddy, even if I still don't know where I'll end up...