Saturday, May 31, 2008

More random thoughts...

o Got called an "elder" (!!!) during a board meeting for the Community Initiative. After my raised eyebrow and all the giggles aimed at me, the guy who said previous comment stammered then proceeded to say, "Well, I know that none of you are under 40...", which brought about outright laughter from everyone on the board. It was all I could do to not mutter, "I'm 34, bitches, step off!".

o Also had a discussion on gay vs. queer during said board meeting, and while we're using the word queer, we all thought we liked the word "fag" or "poofter" better, since it's more in your face. Gay and queer are so politically charged anyway.

o Funny how other people (who are Asian) find it hard to believe that I'm _not_ 25! Until we take a hip-hop class and I'm limping out of the dance studio. Ouch. I can't do those moves anymore without tweaking something.

o I'm always finding it amusing that what's considered normal to us fags sexually is downright freaky to the straight folk. Case in point--a fellow (straight male) blogger from 8Asians was trying to compare sexual exploits with me on IM.

Him: I know escorts and porn stars.
Me: I've done a couple of porn stars.
Him:, well, have you done a 3some or more?
Me: Uh, yeah, haven't you?
Him: .....

I guess it's just all a matter of perspective. I don't ask straight people about freaky sex because I know that most of them haven't done it; and I don't talk to gay men about it because I know that we HAVE done it, and it's a given.

Another example: I was at the Lexington Club in the Valencia Corridor (YES, I know it's a dyke club) with some other bloggers (another gay Asian guy, and a straight Asian girl and her husband) and the topic of 3-somes and group sex came about.

Straight woman: What?! [gay friend] has done a 3-some?
Gay friend: Uh, yeah.
Straight woman: (looks at me) Have you?
Me: Uh, yeah. It's a given, right, [gay friend]?
Gay friend: Yeah.
Me: I don't need to ask because it's a given. And frankly, it's none of my business.
Gay friend: Uh, yeah.
Straight friend proceeds to get drunker and drunker.

Straight people are so uptight. Sheesh.

o Got moved up UCSF's wait list. I'm now in the low 20s, whereas before I was in the mid-30s. And apparently, the real movement doesn't start till June/July, so things are looking really good. And if I don't get in, I'm starting up my application now and getting it over with for next year. I'll probably narrow down my choices: UCSF (again), Hawaii-Hilo (again), Touro (again), and University of Washington (yes, I know).

o If I do get into UCSF this year, I'm throwing a party. Hell fucking yes. :)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Thoughts about the marriage ruling...

So I'm trying to process my reaction to the marriage ruling in California, and part of me is ecstatic, and part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's weird having this ambivalence, partly because it's highlighting an interesting evolution and debate within the queer community, with many people racing towards assimilation, and other people wondering why the hell we're running so fast, particularly since I was part of the wave back in 2004 of couples who got married in SF.

Count me as part of the ambivalent/wondering.

Personally, it feels like that a lot of queer people haven't really thought about what it means to get married, and how marriage is such a social institution that we've been led to believe is the highest form of a romantic and sexual relationship (or at least, they're not getting the press that they deserve), but at the same time how it forces many people into a type of relationship that they, frankly, can't follow. Gay marriage is starting to look less like the political statement that it was in 2004, and now a mindless jump into heteronormative (white, middle/upper class, etc.) assimilation, that worries me.

What exactly are we getting by getting married? The chance to be "like everybody else?" The chance to forget the shame of realizing that one's romantic/sexual choices denies us the ceremonies and traditions of marriage? The dream that our relationships will be given the same weight as our "normal" straight counterparts? The sudden realization and weight of having to fulfill other obligations (like having children) as our "normal" straight counterparts? The right to divorce, go through painful alimony and child custody suits? What happens to those of us in nontraditional relationships, like polyamorous relationships, relationships that transcend state (and country) borders?

It worries me that in the drive to go for gay marriage, that we haven't thought about the natural progression of relationships, like gay divorce, inheritance and children's issues, and non-California residents. Given the nightmare of the badly worded California domestic partnership law that made my partner's and my state and federal taxes a pain this year, I worry how laws and other government decisions that will have to be integrated into California law in order to bring about same-sex marriage could inadvertently fuck us over if the laws aren't well written.

Despite my ambivalence, I am really happy and excited that same-sex marriage is happening in California, but I want to make sure that those couples who DO become married will be served to the best of the state's ability, and not left in limbo like me and a lot of other people who have to deal with current domestic partnership laws in California.

And because Howard's now in Seattle, and I'm still here in SF (and could possibly move to Hawai'i), it doesn't make any sense legally for us to get married in California right now. Given how we got pushed unwillingly into the limelight for being married 4 years ago because we were an Asian-Asian male couple and as a male couple of color and having to deal with the issues of being in the media while dealing with our own ambivalence towards marriage, neither of us are willing to go through the media circus and living in a fishbowl again.

If we DO get married again, the next time will be really for us. Right now, we're both happy being in our odd relationship for the past 11+ years, even if the government's forcing us to become single for the time being.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day thoughts...

So Sunday marked the 5th Mother's Day since my mom passed away, and for some reason I had this sense of melancholy, partly from the realization that life goes on and time marches on, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It was partly brought about because of a friend of a friend whose dad passed away unexpectedly (I don't know my friend's friend at all), and that another friend who I've just started to know is moving away. Even though I spent the bulk of the day hanging out with good friends, I found myself wanting to scream at the world to stop, to give me time to think about things, like my family, my friends, etc. To give me to reflect before I'm ready to move on. I know it's ridiculous to expect the world to stop simply because I'm not ready, and if anything, I need to give myself time to stop, to think, cry if I need to, laugh if I need to, and to permit myself that time to pause.

To that end, I looked at pictures of my friends, the husband, my family--all the people who are nearest and dearest to my heart, and thought about how grateful I am to all of them. I'm really glad that I've been able to reconnect with people from my past recently. I'm glad I've been able to make lots of new friends this year, even if the time I've actually spent with them has been relatively short.

I've also started to seriously think about what I'll do on the off chance that I don't get into any pharmacy schools in the fall--and I simply realized that I have to try again, and do more things to beef up the application (like volunteering at a pharmacy, and just talking to friends who are pharmacists/pharmacy students). I know I'm competitive, and if it doesn't work out this year, I just have to pick myself up and try again. I'm sure I'll get into either UCSF or Hawaii, but I do have to move on if I don't--even if that means being upset that I didn't make it this year and allowing myself to be upset.

I'm still wondering if I'm willing to move to Hawaii to go to pharmacy school in the fall--and I know that I am, but it's scary to think that it could happen so quickly. I'm also wondering how my life will change if I end up staying here (even if the changes are minimal).

People are wondering if I'm annoyed about me being asked about the waitlist for UCSF and Hawaii, and I'm actually not. If anything, it reminds me that a lot of people are rooting for me and supporting me in this decision.

I guess I'm coming to this acceptance, that no matter what happens, things will be all right. It won't be the end of the world if things don't happen now; and it'll be exciting if my plans do work out.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

What?!! No gravy?!!

One of the best Looney Tunes cartoons ever, called Chow Hound. Too bad it's not really shown anymore on TV because it's seen as too impressionable upon little kids (though I remember seeing it as a little kid and seeing it as a fable against gluttony and greed, myself, and thought it was a better story than anything I learned in Catholic school!).

There's some great lines in the cartoon like, "I think a nap will do me a world of good!" and "And this time we didn't forget the gravy," possibly one of the most sinister lines to ever come out of a cartoon, ever.

Monday, May 05, 2008

New layout and other random stuff...

For some reason, I'm liking the color orange, hence the new layout. I used to think that orange looked really bad on me, but for some reason I'm liking it. Go figure.

Random stuff:

o My hip hop teacher's troupe, Funkanometry (where he's creative director), is auditioning for a queer women's hip hop troupe on Thursday. Given that he's been doing a very successful queer men's troupe for the past year and a half, this should be really exciting! I've also heard that some of the people from his troupe are going to form their own group and are auditioning for the second season of America's Best Dance Crew. I'm curious to see how far they'll get.

o People are getting moved off the wait list for UCSF School of Pharmacy, so I'm hoping that it means I'll be called in soon. I know I should've moved up at least 10 spaces or so in the past few weeks already.

o Still no updates from Hawai'i-Hilo School of Pharmacy. (sigh)

o Coming to grips with my apparently rapidly receding hairline, and starting to see how ridiculous it looks to see my hairdresser try to cover it up, when I actually thinks it looks all right. I'm just planning to get used to keeping my hair very close cropped in a year or two so that I don't end up having bad comb-overs.

o Found myself wondering how "gay" looks like, especially since a lot of people have been telling me that I don't look particularly gay. I don't identify as being particularly feminine (and when I do try to be fem, it ends up being more of an affect than who I actually am), but I feel uncomfortable identifying as being butch as well. Maybe it's the whole expectation of what a queer Asian man is supposed to look like, and how I'm so the antithesis of it. It is fun to freak people out when they see me hold hands with my husband and have them wonder...

o Saw Alec Mapa's tune-up at UCSF a week and a half ago before he starts going on tour. Pretty fucking awesome to see an out Filipino American guy from the Bay do hilarious stand up and talk about his experiences in show biz. If you get a chance to see his show, please do.