So Sunday marked the 5th Mother's Day since my mom passed away, and for some reason I had this sense of melancholy, partly from the realization that life goes on and time marches on, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It was partly brought about because of a friend of a friend whose dad passed away unexpectedly (I don't know my friend's friend at all), and that another friend who I've just started to know is moving away. Even though I spent the bulk of the day hanging out with good friends, I found myself wanting to scream at the world to stop, to give me time to think about things, like my family, my friends, etc. To give me to reflect before I'm ready to move on. I know it's ridiculous to expect the world to stop simply because I'm not ready, and if anything, I need to give myself time to stop, to think, cry if I need to, laugh if I need to, and to permit myself that time to pause.
To that end, I looked at pictures of my friends, the husband, my family--all the people who are nearest and dearest to my heart, and thought about how grateful I am to all of them. I'm really glad that I've been able to reconnect with people from my past recently. I'm glad I've been able to make lots of new friends this year, even if the time I've actually spent with them has been relatively short.
I've also started to seriously think about what I'll do on the off chance that I don't get into any pharmacy schools in the fall--and I simply realized that I have to try again, and do more things to beef up the application (like volunteering at a pharmacy, and just talking to friends who are pharmacists/pharmacy students). I know I'm competitive, and if it doesn't work out this year, I just have to pick myself up and try again. I'm sure I'll get into either UCSF or Hawaii, but I do have to move on if I don't--even if that means being upset that I didn't make it this year and allowing myself to be upset.
I'm still wondering if I'm willing to move to Hawaii to go to pharmacy school in the fall--and I know that I am, but it's scary to think that it could happen so quickly. I'm also wondering how my life will change if I end up staying here (even if the changes are minimal).
People are wondering if I'm annoyed about me being asked about the waitlist for UCSF and Hawaii, and I'm actually not. If anything, it reminds me that a lot of people are rooting for me and supporting me in this decision.
I guess I'm coming to this acceptance, that no matter what happens, things will be all right. It won't be the end of the world if things don't happen now; and it'll be exciting if my plans do work out.
I'll just have to wait and see what happens.