Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I've been read...

Took this meme and was totally read. Hard.

My actual problem according to this meme:

Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of his freedom to act, and to decide for himself by the exercise of great personal charm in his dealings with others.

Jesus, can they get any more accurate?

Anyway, click on the box below to read more--and to take the test.

ColorQuiz.comEfren took the free personality test!

"Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Staying in SF for another year...

I've officially thrown in the towel and given up on waiting for Hawai'i-Hilo pharmacy school for 2008. I'm trying to understand exactly what it all means, since the conventional wisdom would assume that I would've been accepted to lower tiered schools like Hawai'i without any hesitation, given my decent post-bac (3.7 GPA), my work experience, and PCAT score (99th percentile), and that I wouldn't even been considered for UCSF, #1 in the country. As it turns out, UCSF was really the only school that expressed any sustained interest in me, and where I truly rocked the interview. I also ranked high enough on UCSF's waitlist that I could still conceivably be called in by mid-September when classes begin. Even if I don't get in, everybody I've talked to states that because of my high initial rank on the waitlist for 2008 that I'm guaranteed a spot for UCSF '09.

I guess this all just really means that I'm meant to stay in San Francisco. So I'm staying. At least for another year, and probably for at least 5.

Seems like the theme of this year for me is all about patience and letting time and nature take its course. I've realized I've done all I can anyway. I'm still really, really hoping for the phone call, but I'm prepared to sit it out another year and wait for 2009.

I'm actually surprised I'm not as bitter about it as I thought I would be. I'm annoyed, but I know that I can get in, if not for '08, definitely for '09.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Thoughts going through my head the past month...

So I've been thinking about a lot the past month about body image, or being, gay, fat and Asian--primarily because I've been hanging out a lot with a really nice guy who I'll name Booster (per his request) who is a self-admitted sticky chaser, or that he is a non-chubby Asian guy who's into chubby Asian men, and who at the same time, has helped me to accept for myself things about my body that I hadn't wanted to think or talk about.

But before I go into that, the biggest epiphany that I've had recently was something that seems extremely obvious and yet it's something that I had avoided confronting for the last 8 or 9 months.

I miss the husband, and I've missed him ever since he moved to Seattle.

How these two seemingly disparate things come together happened during a random conversation a few weeks ago with Booster who was trying to help me find ways to get over my loneliness by finding me hot guys to hang out with (and hook up with). As Booster's getting over a relationship with his own now ex-boyfriend, it would be weird to even attempt anything with him, for obvious reasons.

So Booster suggested that he talk to a friend of his, another chaser, to see if he'd be interested in meeting me. A few minutes later, he tells me that his friend thought that I was cute but too skinny for him.

For some reason, this started a cascade of emotions and feelings about my body image. I remembered being told by my family before I came out, as well as well-meaning friends, that I should lose weight if I wanted to ever meet a girl cute enough to date. After I came out, I started getting the same shit from other well-meaning friends who would say the same thing, except that it'd be hard for me to meet a guy, since they thought being fat meant being unattractive. It was already hard enough being gay and Asian to them.

Somehow, THAT started another cascade of emotions and feelings surrounding feelings of self-perceived rejection and frustration, mostly from my being waitlisted at UCSF and Hawai'i, and then my now unconfronted feelings and irrational beliefs about the husband moving to Seattle. I began to make up a story in my head about how the husband really left because I was unattractive, even though he has NEVER said that at all about me.

I found myself bitching at Booster about how no one found me attractive and that I'll never be able to find anyone and soon found myself wallowing in self-pity. A few minutes later on IM, he says, "Are you okay?" and that he wanted me to come see him to talk over coffee.

Thankfully, that snapped me back into reality and the present. It made me realize firstly how much I had been bombarded by those messages ever since I was a kid, that fat = unattractive, and how much I had internalized those messages. At the same time, I also allowed myself to believe those messages as a kid, and how glad I am now that I don't pay attention to those messages. I'm lucky to be with the husband, who's always found me attractive even though when we first met, I was flabbier and heavier. I'm also lucky to have met Booster, who helped me realize that some guys find my appearance a turn-on, and how all the shit he's gone through because his preferences are so outside of what's acceptable that he's thumbed his nose at the mainstream gay culture here in the US.

To be quite honest, I'm actually really comfortable with my body. I'd like to lose weight purely for health reasons, but I like being a bigger guy. I like how all my friends, and some really hot guys like me wrapping my arms around them because I'm huggable. I like the way the husband jokingly complains that I have more muscle in my chest, and so he doesn't have that "cushion" when he lies on me. I like seeing the shock on cute guys' faces when they ask to feel my arms and are surprised I'm so muscular. I like being the guy everyone asks to spot at the gym because I look like I know what I'm doing.

I'm mostly glad that I've been able to sort out all those contradictory messages and be able to find a happy medium where I'm happy with how my body is. It's extremely hard to find other out, happy, gay fat Asian American guys since most of them are so closeted and are afraid to be out because they are so not conforming to the stereotype of what gay Asian men should be: skinny/twinky/muscle boys. Being bigger also gives us an element of being able to pass as straight since we don't have that stereotypical appearance, and would probably explain why so many closeted guys (usually with girlfriends!) tend to cruise me more openly rather than the husband. Also, being over 30, contrary to most other Asian guys, has made me more attractive to the sticky chaser crowd--many of whom are looking for an "older brother", daddy or G-man (Japanese muscle chub) type, especially guys in Asia. Most of my gay Asian male friends dreaded becoming over 30--I've suddenly found myself getting propositioned by more guys because I fit their archetype better.

I also realized that I had avoided confronting my loneliness after Howard left by throwing myself into anything that would keep me from thinking about it--like working 6-7 days a week, working out like a madman, hanging out with friends every single night. Since my friends' work schedules have picked up, I found myself more alone--and having to deal with those emotions and feelings of feeling lonely. That breakdown made me realize how much I missed him. I called him up later that night and told him that I missed him--even though that's been plainly obvious. Thankfully, since I've confronted that, I feel more comfortable being alone--and not feeling lonely.

Thank the goddess I get these weird breakdowns and epiphanies rarely. It's also nice to have a reality check, provided by the husband and Booster.