Friday, September 19, 2008

Thoughts on moving...

So I'm in the process of moving to a new place back in SF over the past week, and it's been more of an emotional roller coaster ride than I was expecting. In the process of moving, I'm getting rid of more than half the clothes I have, and 90% of my books. It's been weird because although I haven't read any of the books, nor have I worn a lot of these clothes, it feels weird to actually get rid of stuff, even though most of it means close to nothing to me.

A lot of it probably stems from growing up in a working class immigrant Filipino American family where both my parents grew up saving stuff, though compared to both of them I have an easier time getting rid of things. Coupling that with Howard's admitted pack rat tendencies, I accumulated a lot of stuff for no particular reason except to just hold onto it.

Making the move to SF is forcing me to let go of a lot of things, both material and otherwise. I'm getting rid of all the books I had from grad school and teaching, realizing that while some of it is interesting, I no longer have the sustained interest to keep reading high falutin theory. Asian American studies has always been an interest to me, but again, I feel like that's a part of my life that's done for now. Getting rid of most of the clothes that I haven't worn in the past year has also made me look at the relationship I've had with my body--from wearing oversized, unflattering clothes to hide my body shape because I didn't want to confront my unhealthy habits, to learning how to wear clothes that make me feel good and look good as I began to work out more and feel my body take on its current shape. The only books I'm keeping (well, actually, letting a friend borrow for the time being) are my cookbooks and my science textbooks--which I guess shows my two main interests. I'm also keeping a lot of the books that are related somehow to health from a clinician point of view but in more layman's terms. Even then, that's really only about 20 books that I'm keeping total. They're also taking the bulk of my video games, which for the most part I have no time to play anyway.

I'm realizing that in my spare time especially being back in SF, I want to be with people, re-establish lost contacts when I moved in with Howard's sister six years ago, and strengthen the new friendships I've made the past couple years. It also helps a lot that I'll be living with Booster, since we can both help each other. I want to be out and about, being with friends, exploring and appreciating SF for what it is. I'm not that interested in playing video games, or chatting or doing other things like that anymore where I'm removed from human connection. I think the past year, especially with Howard gone, that I hid behind the computer screen since I was going through my own issues of being alone for the first time in years.

In a way, moving, packing, donating, and removing stuff has been very cathartic. For me the two rooms that I've lived in the past 6 years have represented a lot of hard times for me--dealing with my mom's passing, dealing with issues with Howard and our relationship and its evolution, and seeing how I've changed as a person, and really where I finally began to grow up. I feel like I'm finally read to venture out.

No comments: