Thanks to the wonderful world that is Facebook, I've become reacquainted with lots of friends and relatives my age that I've lost touch with from grade school to college. As I've just passed my 35th birthday and am now comfortable with being single again (Howard and I broke up about a year ago, and it's only been now that I feel comfortable with publicly announcing it), I'm seeing myself surrounded by friends, both straight and queer, who are doing commitment ceremonies, having babies, and cementing their relationships in one way or another. And while I'm not bitter about the relationship with Howard ending (in fact, it seems funny that we're in some ways a lot closer now), it's made me wonder why my biological clock isn't ticking, while everyone else around me who's single and my age seems downright hormonal with a sense of urgency to find a life partner, settle down and start having a family (whether that be having babies or pets, or whatever).
What brought this into extremely sharp focus was seeing MJ and her new daughter today at UCSF, who's not even a day old. Amelia is an adorable little baby, and MJ and Jason were glowing with their new addition. But I didn't feel the pangs of wanting to be a parent, or find another boyfriend, or have a partner.
Another friend of mine from high school is giving herself a deadline of having a baby before she turns 37. As she ticked off the reasons why she should or shouldn't have another baby, in the back of my mind, I thought, "I don't think I'm ready for that. Or if I'm even willing to do that." When she asked me if I wanted to have a kid, I honestly gave her an "I don't know."
Maybe it's because it has been only a year or so since I've broken up with Howard, and so the desire to find someone right away isn't there. Part of me is actually enjoying being single--though I'm not exactly looking to date anyone. It could also be that I've always put taking care of someone else as an excuse for not taking care of myself--and at 35, I'm being able to do things on my own that I haven't been able to do since I met Howard at 23.
The funny part about all this is that it does really seem like a do-over for me in so many different parts of my life, from going back to school to do what I've always wanted to do; to establishing and re-establishing friendships; and to have people recognize me as me, and not as a part of a collective unit, whether that be as part of a relationship, a group, or whatever. I think there's also a little bit of "been there, done that" in terms of long term relationships, and I'm clearly not willing to invest so much emotionally into someone right now when I don't know where I'll be after I finish my PharmD, and once I figure out where that is, maybe the focus will become clearer. But as of right now, I'm not interested.
Who knows--maybe after I finish my PharmD at the age of 39, I'll become as hormonal as everyone else I know. I think I have a lot more important things to worry about than worrying about being single.
And if you're a hot Asian guy who's into bigger Asian guys, send me a private e-mail. ;)