Friday, September 04, 2009

So the past few weeks as I've been coming closer to closer to starting UCSF, I've been racked with insomnia. I'm not sure why, since I've had no reason to worry about finances, or jobs or anything like that. For the most part, I'm really excited about starting my dream and doing what I want to do.

And yet, I've been feeling this weird sense of "survivor's guilt." Knowing that I had one of the lowest GPAs in the class, being one of the oldest people as well, it makes me wonder, why did UCSF choose me? How did I end up one of the 7% who got in? I definitely know part of it stems from constantly being told I wasn't good enough to be at the top, that I would never make it by my family. On the one hand, I can see how this was seen as an attempt to protect me in case I failed--but on the other hand, it also made me feel like I was too stupid to really do it.

Now that I've made it, and with two weeks before I dive headlong into this new chapter of my life, and a lot of the old things that have plagued me to get here are resolved, it feels like a new beginning. I've suddenly felt a new appreciation towards things, that my family is there, my friends are there, I've made plenty of new friends already in my class, and honestly, it does feel like I'm 25, when I'm actually ten years older.

Am I scared shitless? Fuck yeah. But I'm also excited beyond belief. It's taken so much for me to get to where I am, from being sidetracked as an undergrad, taking a long circuitous route in grad school, finding love, losing love, losing and regaining my family, and most importantly believing that this was what I wanted and amazed at how easy it came to me once I set my mind to it, it's still humbling that UCSF is taking me back. And on the other hand, I knew this was something that I've wanted so bad, from the time I was 21 and saw pharmacy as what I wanted to do, that to actually make it--it feels like I've made up for the 14 years of dicking around to get to where I should've been at 21. Honestly, it still doesn't feel real, and I think it really only will when all these first steps are taken: orientation, white coat, etc.

And there's no turning back. Frankly, I don't think I want to. I am so ready. Still scared shitless, but I'm ready.