Saturday, May 14, 2011

The (Almost) Breakup Post with P2 Year...

(Damn, this is the first post I've written here in over a year--shows you how much more I'm into my twitter than anything else. I didn't even write a breakup post with Mr. 36 like I did with Mr. 35! Anyways, it seems like my life is more focused on pharmacy school than the incessant plodding of my own age getting bigger and bigger, but not too focused enough that I forget that I do have a life outside of it. Read below. )

Dear Mr. P2:

Re: Our impending breakup

Goddamn, what the hell were you thinking? I knew when I first met you close to 7-8 months ago that you would be difficult to deal with. My friends warned me about you, that I'd be wishing Mr. P1 was still with me.

This is true, partly, but not for the reasons I expected.

I knew the courses would be hard. I knew my responsibilities would be amped up. Hell, I even tried to work and balance our relationship during the first quarter when we were still trying to get to know each other. Thank God THAT ended quickly.

And then, real life hit. In the midst of trying to keep my head above water as all the schoolwork piled up, a close friend of mine died from lung cancer right before starting winter quarter with you. We were pillars for each other as our own turbulent lives led us down crazy, uncertain paths; she moving in with the love of her life; me trying to figure out how I was going to survive pharmacy school post-ex and where my life would be post-May 2013. But up until I started going out with you in September, Mr. P2, and her body started to deteriorate, and we both begged, cried, and wished to spend more time with each other. When she did pass away, two days before New Year's 2011, I almost expected myself to say, "Fuck it. She was my last pillar of strength for me, and you had to take her away from me too?"

But I didn't. It made me remember why I wanted to go to pharmacy school in the first place--to help people and provide comfort to the sick and dying, along with the well. In our last real conversation we had together, it was just me and her, gabbing over lunch, bitching about family, but it was also interspersed with the melancholy; us breaking down every so often and wishing that she didn't have to go so soon, but knowing that each time I saw her could be the last I would see her alive. Pharmacy school, in its own weird, random way, taught me to really look at patients as human beings, and even though I couldn't provide any comfort for her pharmacologically, she was able to tell me things that she couldn't tell anyone else, and in that way, I did provide comfort. Her last text to me was "Thanks. I really needed that."

As much as I wish real life would just be put on pause for 4 years as I go through this, it doesn't, and it won't. In only the past two years, I've seen countless friends and relatives fall in love, break up, have kids, lose family members. Losing my friend wasn't part of the original plan, but I shouldered on. It was rough that quarter, especially when I realized how much I relied on my friend to talk about anything and everything about school and about my life. I survived that quarter, only because I realized that I could no longer put my life on hold anymore. I had to do things for myself.

As I'm racing down the last 2-odd quarters of coursework into rotations and into running into Mr. P3 AND Mr. P4's arms over the next 9 months, I'm beginning to realize what weird gifts you've given me, Mr. P2. I'm no longer just only a pharmacy student. I'm out dancing. I'm hanging out with friends, bitching about my problems. I have an amazing internship that I absolutely love. I'm even going out on frickin' dates! In the midst of this craziness, I had to take my life back, and my grades have also magically improved. Who knew?

So, Mr. P2, as we start our last month together, I am grateful for what you've given me, but honestly, you are WAY too intense for me to be with for longer than a year. I pray that I won't have to see you again next year. I hope that after next month, all I'll have to remember you by is a bunch of gray hairs, more grades on my transcripts and some random returned exams that I will never look at again.