Saturday, August 25, 2012

This is a rant.

To the idiot who was supposedly trying to be my friend but proved otherwise:

I'm shocked, but not surprised, about your behavior towards me, especially since tonight you showed that you clearly had issues about sex and intimacy that certainly explained why you are terminally unable to meet any men for relationships.

But let's make some things clear.

You started talking to me on a hook-up app. My ad on the app specifically says I'm looking for friends and hook-ups, so unless you clearly state otherwise from the beginning, I'm going to assume you wanna fuck.

When you said you weren't interested in hooking up (and when you said you were 2000 miles away), I immediately thought: ok, you're strange. But I still kept talking to you because it sounded like you really need friends. And I immediately turned off that hook-up vibe from you.

But when you send me half-naked pics of yourself to my phone, I'm going to wonder why the fuck you're sending this to me when you've already said you don't wanna fuck.

When you say you're conservative and yet send these half-naked pics of yourself to me, I'm going to assume you're a hypocrite.

When you say you're unable to make friends or meet guys close by you because of your high standards; when you say you can only start relationships with people who are completely inaccessible because they're over 2000-3000 miles away in addition to what you've told me, I'm going to think you're fucked up in the head.

When you start attacking me because I'm completely honest with myself and know what I want and you have the inability to be upfront with yourself about what you want, I'm perfectly in my rights to say, "Fuck you, I'm not talking to you anymore."

When you have to resort to attacking some guy that you barely know in order to make yourself feel better about your completely pathetic gay life, then honestly, I just feel sorry for you.

When you say you're going to be a role model for other gay men who want to be more conservative, believe me when I say that I've heard it all before, and all these men who've said this before end up being miserable, lonely and bitter because they can't find any man who can fit their impossible standards for a partner.

I can clearly tell you're hating on me just because I'm perfectly okay with finding booty, have plenty of friends who I can be myself with, while you have to constrain yourself because you're more concerned about saving face than being true to yourself. Honestly, living your life because you feel you have to conform to standards that no one places on you except yourself is frankly no way to live.

When you say that you're unable to make any true friendships with any gay men, it's probably because the stick up your ass is so far up inside that they find you insufferable because you're constantly afraid that they're going to hit on you instead of them actually wanting to be your friend because they actually respect your boundaries.

Finally, let me just say you have just been read. Hard. You can go back to living your lonely, sad, wanna-be gay life. And let me know when you fall in love with that guy who's 3000 miles away, and yet can't stand you when you actually meet him in real life for the first time and doesn't speak to you after a few days. I've seen it before from my friends who had the same issues you did. Thankfully they've all loosened up and I can actually hang out with them now.

I can understand that you might be different because gay life is different than it was 20 years ago and you're in your 20s now. But I had those same thoughts when I was in my 20s nearly 10-15 years ago myself. "The more things change..."

So, let me just say this again: fuck you. It's just really sad that you had to resort to this just to make yourself feel better about your loneliness, but honestly you weren't the first person to do this, and now that I've let this off my chest, I'm done.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Has it really been that long?

So while I've pretty much abandoned this blog for a very long time, and contemplating starting a totally new blog, I kinda feel like I need to just write (at least for myself) what's happened since my last post from over a year ago.

o I'm already halfway through my final year in pharmacy school, and will be graduating in March 2013 (7 months or so from now).

o Survived all the coursework, the terror of the comp exam, and countless attempts on losing whatever fingerholds I have on my sanity as I shoulder through rotations not to mention crying spells, WTF moments, and numerous inebriated moments.

o Tentatively have a job as a drug information pharmacist for a startup (and for which I'm a consultant) when I graduate which I found through serendipity, and for which I'm totally grateful for since I already love the job.

o Have lost, gained, and currently losing all the weight that I've gained in pharmacy school.

o Ironically enough as I've lost this weight, I finally feel that I'm accepting my body for what it is.

o Dated one guy for a couple months who ended up being a total asshole.

o Seeing a guy for a few months now who is absolutely wonderful, but I'm realizing that I don't want anything more than this awesome friendship-plus that I have with him. Said guy also doesn't want me to lose that much weight--so he's definitely inching towards keeper status. I'd share more but that's venturing towards NSFW status, but let's just say I'm happy being with him.

o I'm also realizing that as I'm finishing up this goal of finishing pharmacy school, as something that I've worked so hard to achieve for nearly 20 years, I'm now having this mini-existential crisis: NOW what do I do with my life? Good thing there's plenty still unfulfilled: traveling; re-establishing old friendships and creating new ones; working as a pharmacist; getting one more tattoo to celebrate this passage in my life; seeing where hanging out with this new guy leads...

So it has been a ridiculously crazy past 15+ months since I've last posted. And like I said, I'll most likely retire this blog (but keep it up for my own sake) when I graduate in a few months, but I want it to serve as a reminder of how far I've gone in the past few years as my life evolved from my mom's death to 2012-2013.

It has been one hell of a ride so far. And I'm still in the middle of it.