Friday, March 08, 2013

The breakup post with Mr. 38

And so continues my tradition about my breakup posts as I move from one year to another...

Dear Mr. 38:
I have spent 45 of the last 52 weeks with you stressed out, questioning my beliefs, figuring out if I'm worthy to be a pharmacist, and otherwise trying to maintain my sanity as I went through one of the toughest years of my life.

I knew that you were going to be difficult. I knew that you were going to test me, push me, make me come face-to-face to things that I've been ignoring for years. At times, I hated you. I wondered what the hell I was doing, where my life was headed, and how I was going to survive at some points. I flirted with things that I probably shouldn't have, done things that I did for the experience, and now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But at the same time, I am starting to appreciate what you put me through.

You see, Mr. 38, you forced me to grow up. I have had to come face to face to things that I didn't want to see; the ugliness of the mistakes that I did years ago has suddenly become exposed, and I couldn't turn away. You forced me to make decisions that I didn't want to do. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. And yet, I knew you were right.

You started the process of letting go of an identity that I've held for so long: a student. That part of me is melting away as I come face to face with the reality that in 3 short weeks, I will become what I've been wanting to be for so long: finishing pharmacy school, being able to put "Dr." in front of my name, crossing off the #1 thing on the goddamn bucket list that I've had for so long.

And now--I'm faced with a terrifying dilemma: Now what?

And this is where the growing begins. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do, of where I want to be. I know that I'll have to deal with more crazy crap this year as I start this new career path, down a road that I have no idea where it'll lead.

And as much as I hate to admit it, Mr. 38, you were the kick in the pants that I needed. I am ready to embrace the uncertainty, to be appreciative that this part of my life is coming to an end--that I am finally able to move on.

You've taught me to never give up. You've taught me that I have what it takes to survive. You've taught me to set boundaries, to express myself, to be the truest person that I can be. Honestly, the rotations haven't been as bad as all the personal growing that I've done this year.

But really, I'm glad that you're gone. I know that I have more shit to work on wherever I end up. But I know that I am ready to deal with it head on.

Thank you.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

A request...

So it's been a very long time since I wrote in this blog, and in about 4 weeks I'll be done with pharmacy school. One of the biggest things I wanted to do in my life, almost done.

And yet, I'm petrified.

I've never been so scared in my life. I have options right now after school, and I'm trying to listen to the calm within my heart to make a decision. I don't know why I'm afraid that I'll make a wrong decision. There is no such thing as a wrong decision.

I think my biggest unfounded fear is if I leave SF, I won't come back. I know that's not true in my head. At the same time, I don't have strong reasons for staying, except for being comfortable with my strong support network of friends. I'd have to start over in a new place, and I'm not sure why it's so terrifying for me to do so. People do it all the time. I do want to come back if I leave.

If there are people that still read this blog, please think calming, good thoughts for me. I know that the universe/God/whatever celestial beings are out there will provide and I am taking comfort in that. I just wish I could calm my mind down and stop worrying. It helps that I'm doing other things to take my mind off of it, but I am still scared and worried and petrified about everything.