Friday, October 31, 2014

One post in 2014?

So someone has asked me why I haven't written in this blog for a long time.

It gave me pause. That's a very good question, and one I couldn't figure out the answer to for the longest time.

Then it hit me suddenly the past few days while on a trip to NYC. During the time that I was writing a lot for the blog, a lot of things were happening, a lot of it I had posted here.

But there were other things that I didn't want to talk about on the blog; or on other social media for that matter. My now-ex and I were going through a long and involved (but friendly) breakup that consumed a lot of my time. I was obviously trying to apply, got accepted to, and was trying to finish pharmacy school. The more that I tried to think about it, the more that writing a blog didn't make sense to me. There's an obviously exhibitionist streak in people who write about their personal lives on blogs, and it felt like more often than not, I didn't want to remember the minutiae of the day, or the seemingly constant failures and struggles that were happening in my life. Other social media didn't seem to fit either; Twitter and Facebook, while fun, are a little too out there for me. Tumblr, well, it's tumblr.

Looking back at my very long hiatus, I had to withdraw so to speak in order to face what was happening in all these crazy sudden changes that were happening; but there's a problem with that. Withdrawing can become very lonely.

That's what hit me why I couldn't write regularly here for those 4-5 years. I had to withdraw and focus on myself, and when I wanted to write in my blog, I kept on wanting to write about my failures; these self-pitying posts that have never been published that would've annoyed me and anyone else who wrote in the blog. When I stopped writing, I felt like a failure because I had broken up with my ex; that my consolations were caught up in chemical formulas, mathematical equations and treatment algorithms. And I didn't want to be reminded of that anymore.

Obviously, that's the right-brained, logical explanation. When the answer to that question hit me, the question was asked very simply by someone who started reading and following my blog recently. And he said a sentence that caused my walls to break down.

"I wish I would've been there for you at that time. You sounded like you needed a friend."

It hit me like a ton of bricks, a blubbering crazy ton of bricks. The tears came, and they didn't stop. And this guy--this guy who wanted to know me at that time--but couldn't and didn't, just wrapped his arms around me and held me.

And that's why I couldn't write. And that's why I finally feel like I can now.